THE DEFINITIVE RANKING OF "STAR WARS: THE LAST JEDI" CHARACTERS: Part One of Two

(Editor's note: ...so look, Ed's words have rendered me actually speechless which is a thing that never happens to me, Brett Ashley McKenzie, first of her name, user of lots of words. I'm formulating a rebuttal piece but in the meantime, be aware that reading the following is akin to lifting the "CAUTION" tape at a very messy crime scene and may God have mercy on all of our souls). 

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by Ed Poretz 

"It stinks!"

It’s me, Your favorite rosy, not opinionated movie madman. I’m back, and of course I’m in a good mood and not about to shit on somebody’s favorite “franchise.”

Lol, yeah right. It’s time for another list. Why? Well, the world is ending, and top ten or whatever lists on the internet are nothing but harbingers of humanity’s descent into doom (or so I’m told), so this one seems very appropriate.

Couple of things to get out of the way:

I’m not an incel, or an MRA jackass, or a member of the alt-right. So the “Luke was not portrayed as the heroic red-blooded ‘Murican male hero that he should be” argument will not be made, due to the aforementioned not being a jerk, and also because Luke isn’t ‘Murican, and also because I’ve seen the original Star Wars movies, and Luke was never much of a badass hero to begin with.

I’m not doing this out of loyalty or love for these characters. It’s just I’ve never seen such a “meh” movie that was as divisive as this “meh” movie was. I’ve written and said this before, but “did everyone watch a different movie than I did?”

The love for Luke, the love for General Princess Leia, the hatred of any attempt to try something new, the unabashed and quite poorly hidden racist attacks on easily the best Star Wars character in recent memory (possibly ever)…Jesus this franchise just needs to go away.

Or just be books, TV shows and video games. Those are all better. Rendar, Katarn, Jade, Thrawn, Karde, Tano, Ventress, Bridger…all the best characters come from the books, tv shows and video games.

Anyway, I’m not going to go over my exhaustive criteria for how I came up with this, because I know you don’t want to listen to my loser details. Instead, if any of this makes you really angry, take a deep breath, count to ten, and remember that Star Trek is infinity billion times better than Star Wars, anyway.

I am going to try to keep these entries shorter than the last time, but no promises. I’m a lawyer by trade and an arrogant bastard by nature, so I really like the sound of my own voice/sight of my own words.

Let me also point out that, as someone who doesn’t much care about Star Wars, I liked this movie much, much better than A New Hope 2 The Force Awakens. At least The Last Jedi had an identity, and the balls to try to try new things (yes, you read that right; they tried to try new things. They didn’t necessarily succeed at actually trying out new things).

Last, I will be referring to The Last Jedi as “TLJ” from here on out because I’m lazy. 

Now, the list.

LAST. DEAD LAST. I WON’T EVEN GIVE THIS MORON A NUMBER:

POE DAMERON:

WHAT. THE. FUCK.

Benedict Arnold was a more competent soldier than this fucking idiot.

Poe Dameron isn’t last just because he’s a stupid chauvinist who disobeys orders on more than one occasion and gets the vast majority of the Rebels Resistance fleet destroyed and the vast majority of their people killed. Poe Dameron is last because he did that, and there were exactly zero consequences for doing so.

I wanted to like Poe. I’d never had a space middle eastern guy I could root for. I thought Poe was the only relatable person in A New Hope 2 The Force Awakens and was a really cool, cocky pilot-type guy.

Then TLJ happened. In TLJ, Poe Dameron is 1) a hero who is supposedly the best pilot since Luke (or Vader, who cares?) and 2) trapped in a slow-as-balls escape from the Imperial Fleet First Order Fleet that, if he and his pals don’t survive, then the galaxy is doomed. And not one, but TWO commanding officers give him very explicit orders to not do anything stupid or god forbid fuck off so spectacularly that he gets almost everyone killed.

Got that? Soldier, on the ropes, can’t afford to fuck up, told explicitly not to fuck up by two superior officers. But the people who told him not to fuck up had different sexy parts than Poe Dameron did, so guess what route ol’Poe chose to take?

I'll take "Fuck off so spectaculary that he almost gets everyone killed for $300, Alex."

That’s exactly what happens. This dipshit disobeys Leia’s orders, a direct consequence of which is all of us had to watch Carrie Fisher fly through space like a goddamn comet, gets a ton of people killed, is insubordinate to Admiral Holdo, and then figures “Hey, I’ve fucked up pretty bad, but not bad enough, might as well add ‘mutiny’ to the list of crimes I’ve committed in the last few hours.”

And why? Apparently, because Poe never figured out that women are people and not just “them things with boobs ‘n’ vaginas in’em.”

The best Rebel Resistance soldier starts a goddamn mutiny because his surrogate mom couldn’t tell him to take his hand off his throttle and calm down. This guy actually mouths off to Carrie Fisher and Laura Goddamn Dern. SMH.

Now, let’s remember that this is a military outfit that Poe is part of. MIL-I-TAR-Y. I bet you’re thinking, “Ed,” you would think, “I’m sure in the sequel he gets court-martialed and summarily executed for all this.”

NOPE. He gets rewarded by being in charge of what are, essentially, Space Delta Force operators and trusted to find the Macguffin at the heart of The Rise of Skywalker. Because, of course, the dude who got everybody killed because he couldn’t obey a simple order, because it was a woman who gave said order, is exactly who you would put in charge of a highly risky and incredibly important black ops mission.

VERDICT: The only reason this imbecile is still alive/not in prison is because of the next two entries on this list. 

10. GENERAL PRINCESS LEIA

I…I just…I just can’t. I can’t call her General.

Because nothing about her is General-y (?).

I don’t blame Carrie Fisher or Leia for this. Some stupid writers wrote Leia and Holdo to gaze into each other’s eyes and share a laugh over that playful scamp who just got everybody killed, not Carrie Fisher.

Leia is second to last because she didn’t throw Poe in the fucking brig immediately upon waking up from her Force/Space coma. General, my ass.

Now, I understand that for a lot of people, seeing Leia being called “General,” and being in charge, was very gratifying, and empowering. I don’t want to take away fromjkongldfkjgkhj.

Sorry, I couldn’t write that last thing without laughing. OF COURSE, I’M GOING TO TAKE AWAY FROM THAT. That’s my thing. 

There are strong, empowered women in Star Wars. Several, in fact.Here are a few:

My name is Ashoka Tano. I am a badass.

If Poe had tried that shit on Tano, she would have thrown his ass in the brig and then made sure he spent time in a prison on an asteroid with one of those space worms living in it.

My name is Mara Jade and I'm also a total badass.

If Poe had tried that shit with Mara Jade, she would have convened an impromptu military tribunal and then executed him.

My name is Asaji Ventress and if I have to tell you how complete of a badass I am, odds are I've already decapitated you with a lightsaber.

If Poe had tried that shit with Ventress, she would have thrown his happy ass out of a fucking airlock and then asked if anyone ELSE wanted to fly off half-cocked and ruin everything.

VERDICT: Carrie Fisher, you deserved better. You were a princess, but I can’t call you a general.

9. ADMIRAL HOLDO

Why is Holdo above Leia?

Is it because Holdo is a great character, who is interesting and believable?

No.

It’s because Holdo is Laura Dern.

Being Laura Dern automatically makes you cooler than 84% of the rest of the human race.

Even Laura Dern roles that aren’t her best are better than everyone else’s. Just look at that movie she just won an Oscar for, A Marriage Story; I’m an attorney, and my firm does family law, and I can tell you that Laura Dern and everyone else involved with that movie clearly has no fucking clue what lawyers do or say on a regular basis. Her overacting in that role probably made Denzel Washington blush.

And yet, even in that lousy role she was still better than all the other best performances of the year.

So even when Laura Dern is relegated to playing lame, unrealistic, Admiral Moonbeam Purple-Haired Holdo, she’s still Laura Goddamn Dern.

And if I’m being honest, the scene where she flies the ship into the Imperial Star Destroyer First Order Dreadnaught was the fucking tits in the theater, yo.

Although some Disney writer still needs to die for the fact that this conversation never happened:

VERDICT: It’s Laura Dern, and let’s leave it at that.

NEXT!

8. SUPREME LEADER SNOKE

Ah Supreme Leader, we hardly knew ye.

This guy is low on the list because he mainly serves as a red herring, one which I appreciated (yes, I’m aware that J.J. “No Fucking Artistic Courage” Abrams promptly revealed him to be Palpatine or a clone of Palpatine or a really dedicated Palpatine cosplayer because of course the babies that watch this crap can’t handle a new character), and because the mystery surrounding him wasn’t that interesting (which is why using him as a feint is smart).

He is higher than Leia and Holdo because he at least came off as a somewhat believable leader of a space Nazi cult/military outfit.

He is also higher on this list because Snoke served his purpose much more effectively than Leia or Holdo. His purpose, of course, was to misdirect us and lead Kylo Ren to his major moment of self-revelation. Leia was, I think, supposed to do this for Poe, but we all know how that turned out. Holdo I’m still unclear on why she was around, although if the answer is “because Laura Dern happened to be available,” I’d accept that.

VERDICT: Andy Serkis has to be a greenscreen character in every franchise these days, so Snoke is as good a choice as any for that, I guess. Otherwise, his purpose was to die, and he fulfilled said purpose admirably.

ADDENDUM: If Snoke had been revealed as Wicket the Ewok, I would have changed my opinion of this entire franchise, and he would be the number one character on this list.

7. GENERAL HUX

As an actor friend of mine once told me when I was complaining about some guy in some movie being too over the top and terrible: 

“If you can’t get good, get ham.”

General Hux brings the ham, and the cheese, and a side of bacon just to be safe. This dude is nothing but screaming, sniveling, conniving, blood shoot eyes-bulging, and spittle flying, all day, every day. And I love him for it.

Hux actually acts like a real person. A real dick of a person, but real nonetheless. His political scheming and jealousy come off as very believable, as does his cowardice in the face of both Snoke and Kylo Ren.

Yes I know this is from the first one. It's also the only good part of the first one, and easily the best character moment from all three movies. LOOK AT THAT FUCKING FACE. You can almost smell the halitosis. That's acting.

But more importantly, Hux represents that side of Star Wars we so rarely get to see: the little guys, the 9-5ers, the everyday Joe (I know he’s a General, and I’ve seen these movies…that’s a bad, thankless, and life-expectancy shortening job). The guys who toil away in Imperial First Order Administration or on some Military Council, taking orders from spoiled, entitled douchebags who were born into the right family and have daddy issues. The folks who have to worry about shit like, “did we requisition enough death missiles of doom so we can murder all of the people?” The guys who sit down and hash out details like, “how much red should we set against all the black at our next Space Nazi rally?” The folks who have to fill out countless forms and go through endless red tape just to replace all those desks and consoles that Kylo Ren destroys whenever he kills his father/can’t bring himself to kill his mother.

This whole series should have been about Hux. Hux, and maybe three other people, trying to find the right form to fill out to get more all-black Nazi uniforms before the next giant lineup of everyone. That’s a movie I know I would like; Star Wars: Bureaucracy One.

VERDICT: I could listen to this nutcase scream nonsense all fucking day, but he does very little in TLJ, so he takes the 7th spot.

Well heck you made it this far, might as well tune in soon for PART TWO as Ed shits on the Skywalker Saga's most divisive film! 

Top 10 Best Movies About Weather Disasters: Ranked

By Corey Johns

It wasn't that long ago when I was up all night long watching Hurricane Laura slam into Louisiana at such a powerful level that it kept its status as a hurricane until it hit Arkansas.

Weather has always fascinated me. Just about a week ago I was standing outside during a tornado warning holding an anemometer in the air trying to measure wind speeds. (This is not advised. If there is a tornado warning, seek safe shelter.) I've even considered going back to school to get a degree in Atmospheric and Oceanic Science. There is something about the force of major weather events like hurricane or tornadoes, or just the uncontrollable nature of weather that is fascinating to me. So, it shouldn't be a surprise that I love movies about weather events.

(Editor's Note: Corey Johns says he wields a weather device in this windstorm pic,  but I prefer to think he's flipping the storm the bird.)

Movies about weather can be tricky to do because weather systems aren't always instant catastrophe like a tornado is. More often than not, they are cumulative in their damage taking place over a long period of time. But, there have been some great movies about weather, and here are my top 10 movies about weather (that I have seen).

Before I get to the list, weather needs to be a primary part of the movie, and weather has to have some sort of scientific realism in their effect. So, while there a blizzard that keeps Jack Torrance stuck in a hotel in The Shining, it is a Native American burial ground that has more of an effect on his character's action. In both The Fog and The Mist, weather events are very much at the forefront, but it is paranormal activity or other monsters that cause all the tension. Otherwise, it would just be a foggy day. I love Ice Age but the weather is very much a secondary part of the movie as an unlikely trio is battling the elements, but the movie is focusing on trying to return a human baby to its tribe. The weather adds to it but the movie could still be the movie it was in a different setting.

 10. Geostorm

I'm not sure what I really expected out of Geostorm but I remember leaving the theaters kind of disappointed when I saw this Gerard Butler/Ed Harris science fiction disaster film. However, the next time I watched it I actually enjoyed it for what it was. There were plenty of ridiculous moments and (obvious spoiler even by watching the trailer) it was about man-made weather systems, not nature weather systems, but visually, the movie is incredible. The power of the weather is on display in ways that are exaggerated, but realistic in how they would turn out at the level they happened.

9. Into the Storm

Opposite of Geostorm, I went into this movie with low expectations expecting a cheap Twister knockoff but was happily surprised with how enjoyable this movie was. It really did a great job of separating itself from the beloved Bill Paxton movie despite a somewhat similar plot of storm chasers trying to study these devastating weather events. It does rely more on disaster action that its spiritual predecessor but they made it work. Usually, over-the-top disaster movies have forgettable characters nobody cares about. I might not remember anything about the characters after turning the movie off, but I at least remember cheering them on while I was watching. So, at least I cared about them enough during its 89-minute run time to enjoy the plot.

8. All is Lost

Movies with one character onscreen are tough to keep exciting for the entirety of the movie. There are almost no spoken words in this movie. The only time there are words are when he tried to call for a mayday before realizing the radio on his boat is wrecked. There are down and sometimes boring moments in the movie. But, Robert Redford's ability to show anguish, despair, frustration, and defeat are amazing and make this movie worth watching. The movie does not start with a weather event. Instead, Redford, plays an unnamed character, is asleep on his boat, and wakes up with it flooding after he ran into a big cargo container that fell off a big ship floating out in the middle of the ocean, busting the hull. He patches it up, and finally gets the water out of the boat, and then runs into a tropical storm. His boat rolls multiple times, he's thrown into the water, but survives. He has to abandon his ship and get into an inflatable life raft. While in the inflatable life raft, another stop hits him. Redford is incredible in his survival movie as he faces the open ocean, dwindling supplies, and two massive storms.

7. Frozen 

Okay, I said the weather had to act natural and we know in this Disney animated feature based on the 1844 fairy tale “The Snow Queen” Queen Elsa has magical ice powers. But the snow and winter do act naturally, so I'll allow it. Plus, it's my list. Frozen is fun. Despite being a movie about fridge temperatures, it is heart-warming. It has a great dramatic story between two sisters, and the songs “Let it Go” and “Do You Want to Build a Snowman?” are unforgettable.

6. Crawl

Frozen and Crawl can't be more different but I actually really enjoyed Crawl way more than I ever expected. It's probably not going to be No. 6 on most people's lists of best movies about the weather, but hurricane movies are very hard to do because again, they are cumulative events. But, Crawl make it work by including alligators in the swamps of Florida being able to roam free with a heightened water level. Kaya Scodelario and Barry Pepper play a father-daughter duo trying to survive the rising water and deadly alligators. This movie is action-packed, but it also doesn't move to fast so they are able to build tension and drama from start to finish. I was hooked from start to finish.

5. The Perfect Storm

This movie is great. George Clooney and Mark Wahlberg lead a strong cast with great acting that shows great ranges of emotions – from high highs of excitement to low lows of despair. When I first outlined this list, this movie was actually second on my list, but some personal preferences led to some adjustments in the order. Based on a true story, the Andrea Gail runs into the convergence of two powerful weather fronts and Hurricane Grace. Of course, we don't know exactly what happened on that boat, but the movie does a great job imagining what happened in a very real way while also showing the power of this weather system during the events following the fishing boat and a yacht that was caught out in the storm.

4. The Day After Tomorrow

A dramatized warning of the dangers of global warming, The Day After Tomorrow features a world-changing superstorm that brings earth back into an ice age. Jake Gyllenhaal is stuck in New York trying to survive with his friends while his father, played by Dennis Quaid, is doing everything he can to prepare the world for what is happening while also trying to get to Gyllenhall to rescue him. The weather events are catastrophic, the drama is intense, and the acting in the movie is tremendous. Of course, I did set parameters that the weather has to be somewhat scientific and certainly, this movie goes over-the-top with some unrealistic events not based on science, but it's believable enough and the movie is great to secure this spot on the list.

3. Snow Day

Surprised? Probably way higher than it should be but nostalgia plays a big role here in the placement of this movie. I really, really enjoy this movie. It's fun and came out when I was in fifth grade. I was the target audience who dreamed of a major and sudden snowfall that could cancel school that saw the snowplows as the bad guys trying to get me back to school earlier than I wanted because all I wanted to do was go sledding, have snowball fights, and build snow forts. Chris Elliott is amazing as the evil snowplow driver. Chevy Chase is so great as a meteorologist frustrated by a flashier weather reporter who turns out to be all theater and now substance. When I was 10-years-old first watching this movie the main love story was actually what I cared about the least, but over time I've grown to appreciate how well done it was written and performed.

2. Everest

I, like most people, don't care for 3D movies and I'm glad that era is cinema is for the most part over. But, Everest was one of the few movies that really was elevated by being 3D with the heights of the world's tallest mountain playing a huge part in it. But what makes Everest great, is even on a small screen, without a giant screen, without the surround sound, without the 3D glasses, Everest is still great. It's based on a true story, which makes it even more dramatic because we know the power of the blizzard hitting the Mountain and its devastating effects. Jason Clarke is tremendous as the least man in this movie as Rob Hall, an expedition group leader. Jake Gyllenhaal is great as his cocky rival. Josh Brolin is even better as an arrogant mountain climber and one of the few survivors of the ordeal. The acting really makes this movie. The visuals are absolutely stunning. The devastation of the weather event on the climb is tremendous.

Honorable Mention: White Squall

I really like White Squall and based on its name you'd think it should qualify for this list right? When I first wrote up my preliminary list I had this Jeff Bridges drama on it. But really, it's not a movie about the weather. It is really a coming-of-age movie for a group of young men on a boat with Bridges. At the end of the movie, they run into the storm. But so much happened before then. While that is somewhat similar to The Perfect Storm, simply, was more of the movie is about kids on a boat without weather having any sort of an impact. In The Perfect Storm, they run into multiple weather events and a huge portion of the movie is about the crew anticipating the storm, meteorologists preparing for the storm, and the actual events of the storm.

1. Twister

It shouldn't be too much of a surprise that Twister is No. 1 on this list. It is the gold-standard of this genre but a fairly wide margin. Bill Paxton and Helen Hunt are incredible in the leads. The rest of the cast is great too with Philip Seymour Hoffman being the fun-loving member of the team and Cary Elwes being the arrogant rival. The plot is great and you can really get into the relationship between Paxton and Hunt, and the rivalry between the two storm chasing groups (even though the line “he's in it for the money, not the science” is hilarious to me. HOW DARE CARY ELWES WANT TO MAKE SOME MONEY CHASING DEADLY STORMS!) The scenes with the Tornadoes, which are all throughout the movie, are just incredible. They are devastating and are about as close as I ever want to get to seeing what they can do.

Honorable Mention 2: Adrift – SPOILERS

I waited until completing my list to mention this second honorable mention because there is going to be a spoiler. So, if you don't want a spoiler for a movie based on a true story from 1983, then don't read anymore. It's your last chance. If you are still reading. I really enjoyed this movie and was about to have it in my Top 10...until the ending. And yes, until the ending of a movie based on a true story. Adrift is about the true survival story of Tami Oldham, who was sailing a yacht from Tahiti to California with her fiance. On their trip, they hit Hurricane Raymond and the boat rolls multiple times. Her fiance Richard was swept overboard but she sees him hanging onto a dinghy that was swept off the boat. She swims out, saves him, and brings him back on the boat. He has a broken rib, his leg is shattered and he can't help her at all. There are a lot of flashback scenes to show their budding romance. Their dynamic on screen in the past and present is great. Her growth from the start of the movie to the end is great when without his help she is able to be an ultimate survivor. And then you learn he was nothing but a hallucination the entire time. He was lost as sea immediately when the boat rolled. She was inside the cabin and was able to stay with the boat. So, the movie based on a true story actually wasn't what happened. Even worse, in her own story, she said dealing with Richard being gone was the hardest part of the entire time she remained adrift after the wreck before being found by another boat. She didn't even actually hallucinate him. It was all a hallucination endings are terrible as it was. It was all a hallucination ending in a movie based on a true story is bad. It was all a hallucination endings in a movie based on a true story where the hallucination part is entirely made up is beyond terrible.