Everybody good? Good. Onto the second quarter. And to recap,
Black Mirror is ahead for the lowest percentage of episodes in the bottom
quarter, The Twilight Zone is right about where it should be, while Electric
Dreams had half of its episodes in the clubs section. But this isn’t
really a team sport. Well, I guess it is in so much as swimming and log rolling
are team sports. You might have other people on your team, but they don’t
really affect how well you do or how you’ll be remembered. Also, I have no idea
how log rolling is scored.
After 7 rounds of play, it's Hatty McHatterson with 77.75 bags of sawdust, and Braided Ponygirl with 5 skidders and a hayburner
To continue with a really silly metaphor, these 13 episodes would
be the diamonds. They are certainly more sought after than the clubs,
but the rigid line structure lacks the coolness of the heart and spade. But at
least you know what a diamond is. I mean what the hell is a club? Yes, a club
is like a baseball bat of sorts, but then why is it shaped like an off-ramp
that’s partially under construction? Still, even though these next 13 episodes
may technically fall in the bottom half, they’re still worth a watch.
#39 Fifteen Million Merits, Black Mirror 1.2 Featuring - Daniel Kaluuya, Jessica Brown Findlay
Summary - A community of what seem to be slaves living underground – though
it’s never fully explained to us how these people came to be there – earn
merits by riding on a bike all day. Bing helps to fund a friend to participate
on an America’s Got Talent–type show, but he has to spend all the credits he
has earned over 6 months to do it. And this gesture seems to have only made her
situation worse. Analysis - There are a lot of unanswered questions in this episode,
namely where exactly did these people come from? Because it is tertiary to the story,
it is never fully explained, and that mystery wraps up the episode in a blanket
of anxiety. But ultimately, the story stretches itself out in the first,
second, and third acts. It is a compelling story that could have probably been
told about 15 minutes faster. Or… - it could have been 30 minutes longer. This episode creates such a
complex and difficult world in which to submerge its viewers in only 15-20
minutes before the turn, it leaves way too many unanswered questions out there.
So it could have benefitted from either cutting out parts of that world and
only telling part of the story, or going for the full ass. But as it stands, we
only get half of it.
Get it?
#38 A Human Face, Twilight Zone 2.7 Featuring - Jenna Elfman, Christopher Meloni Summary - A couple mourning the loss of their teenage daughter comes
face to face with an alien who has appeared in their basement, brought by a
cosmic flare passing through earth’s atmosphere. The alien begins to take the
form and characteristics of their daughter, causing them to question how far
they’ll really go to have their daughter back. Analysis - This episode poses a great question about whether or not we
would accept an illusion even if we knew it was an illusion. Would we give into
our desire to feel better at the cost of the truth? Would we take the red pill
or the blue pill? The episode is really intriguing, but is undone by its ending,
which crams the question down our throat one more time when we were already
full. If you liked this episode… - you’ll also like Be Right Back, the
Black Mirror episode I talk about down there somewhere. They both find
interesting sci-fi ways to talk about grief. One is aliens, one is technology. Both
have all-star casts. Pick your poison.
#37 The Wunderkind, Twilight Zone 1.5 Featuring - John Cho, Jacob Tremblay Summary - A down-on-his-luck campaign manager gets the idea to support
an 11-year-old YouTube star for president, but he perhaps doesn’t consider the
long-term implications of what might happen should he succeed. Soon, the boy
becomes too powerful and the flywheel is now going way too fast to jump on or
to slow down. Analysis - This episode draws some very obvious parallels to what it
means to want something different out of the presidency. It is part mirror of the
Trump presidency, and part homage to It’s a Good Life, The original
Twilight Zone episode with the boy who wished things away to a cornfield. The
ending is a bit silly and unnecessary, but it shines a decent-wattaged light on
what happens when an obviously petulant child has too much power. Tone-Def - You know when you don’t really like a TV show or movie but
can’t put your finger on it? It's usually because of the tone. This episode –
much like Ghostbusters (story for another day) – couldn’t seem to figure out its
tone. Is it playful? Serious? Funny? It can be all of them, but it has to mesh
them together well. This episode would have served well to pick one side of the
fence or the other, because riding fences is just a huge pain in the ass.
Oh good. Another ass pun.
#36 Safe and Sound, Electric Dreams 1.6 Featuring - Annalise Basso, Maura Tierney Summary - In a world where there are two separate factions of people –
the government-run majority and the radicals who live in “bubbles,” allegedly
free from government oversight, a mother brings her daughter out of one of the
bubbles for a year while she acts as a delegate for the radicals. While there,
the daughter finds that she yearns for certain comforts that freedom does not
provide. Analysis - This episode touches on some really interesting subjects –
notably the battle for truth. The government claims there have been terrorist
attacks, while the radicals claim propaganda. Meanwhile, the daughter willingly
gets a tracking device to make school easier and now questions if the voices in
her head are real. The episode is undone by a leap in character logic, but the
ending makes it worth that leap. The Opposite of Dues Ex Machina - Apparently, this is the section of the
rankings where I send all the good episodes undone by if not silly endings,
then at least plot contrivances. Everything from pretty much Arkangel to this
had great potential squandered in the third act. And in the interest of
avoiding spoilers, I’m just gonna be general here and say that these episodes
are like the opposite of an unsolvable problem suddenly becoming solved.
I'll let you figure out the opposite of this
#35 The Entire History of You, Black Mirror 1.3 Featuring - Toby Kebbell, Jodie Whittaker Summary - In a world where people have a device implanted in their heads
that record audio and video available to play back for others to see, Liam
surprises his wife at a dinner party with her friends. She seems to be flirting
with an old friend, and once suspicions are cast, Liam goes down a dangerous
rabbit hole of needing to know exactly what happened and when. Analysis - This final episode of the first season poses some very
interesting questions (yes, I am a broken record now). Like how much do we really need to know about our loved
one’s past? And what is more harmful – a small lie or the truth? Or something
in between? Liam’s spiral was likely inevitable even without the implant, but
how he got there was the kind of tragedy that Black Mirror became known for. Run Time - Black Mirror (and Electric Dreams and Twilight Zone) episodes
usually clock in at about an hour. But in these sci-fi stories, sometimes they
need to create this entire world for you to live in and understand and that
takes some time. This was done particularly well here with the dinner party,
but it likely caused the end to be rushed. If we saw a more gradual transition
of Liam’s character, we might have believed it more. But then we wouldn’t have
believed in this world we’re in. Making TV is hard.
It comes across as much deeper in context. I think.
#34 The Comedian, Twilight Zone 1.1 Featuring - Kumail Nanjiani
Summary - The ghost of a standup comedian shows up to a club one night to
bestow the gift of knowledge to a middling comic – which is that you need to
put parts of yourself out there on stage. However, once you do that, the
material belongs to the world and no longer belongs to you. Which of course has
other consequences. Analysis - Kumail Nanjiani can do no wrong. He is fantastic as a
struggling comedian in the new inaugural episode of the Twilight Zone. This
episode is fun and really sets the tone for this reboot of the VERY popular
franchise. It does drag at times and doesn’t have the societal impact that many
of the future episodes will, but for those that are real fans, hearing that
theme song and the interrupting narrator is all the drug you need. Warming up the crowd - This was the first episode in the reboot of the
franchise, so for that, I probably gave it more credence than it deserves. But
it’s got Kumail Nanjiani AND it’s about bad stand-up comedy. It also fingers a
nerve I have about how thin the line is between killing and bombing on the
stand-up stage, and it usually has little to do with the material. This episode
isn’t necessarily headliner material, but it does a good job of warming up the
crowd for the feature acts.
#33 Rachel, Jack and Ashley Too, Black Mirror 5.3 Featuring - Angourie Rice, Madison Davenport, Miley Cyrus Summary - A shy teenage girl moves to a new school system and befriends
an 8-inch robot replica of her favorite pop star, Ashley O. As she is unable to
make friends at school as easily, Rachel becomes obsessively close with the
doll. When a tragedy befalls the actual Ashley O, Rachel and her sister
accidentally uncover a secret hiding deep within Ashley Too and Ashley too. Analysis - This episode took me on at least two major twists I didn’t
expect, and they were both pretty clever. I don’t know why this season of Black
Mirror got so run over in the public media, unless they’ve just set their own
bar too high to clear. The downfall of this episode is the end, though the
credit scenes bring it back. It is a fantastic role for Miley Cyrus, as I’m
guessing this was somewhat autobiographical. Art Imitates Life Imitates Art… - It’s not exactly like a chicken and
egg thing here, but more like if the chicken was wrapped around an egg. Which
it technically is before the egg is hatched. Though Cyrus had already started
her transformation years before with Wrecking Ball, it wasn’t until she
starred as this Nine Inch Nails punk rocker that she finally went full
disco-punk-rock with Prisoner and Heart of Glass. She didn’t
exactly pull a Malcolm McDowell, but suffice to say, her role definitely drove
her somewhere.
Dear Miley, If Stanley Kubrick ever walks up to you, just say no
#32 Men Against Fire, Black Mirror 5.5 Featuring - Malachi Kirby, Madeline Brewer
Summary - Stripe is a soldier assigned to kill what they call roaches,
these zombie-esque mutant creatures who are hiding in the rural countryside. On
his first mission, he manages to kill two of them, but seems to be suffering
from some unusual headaches and visions, along with some technical glitches
with the software in his head. Analysis - This episode points a very heavy finger at military tactics
and hypothesizes the next step in brainwashing. It draws a lot of obvious
parallels to Nazi Germany, but it could apply to any group of people who are
discriminated against. It is a painful look at both military culture and
racism, and Black Mirror isn’t in the habit of pulling any punches. Based on the Book - Men Against Fire: The Problem of Battle Command
is a 1947 book that talks about how most soldiers in World War II fired over
the heads of their enemies because they identified them as humans. I doubt the
book recommended the procedures Black Mirror implemented, but I get the
reference.
Black Mirror goes deep for inspiration
#31 A Small Town, Twilight Zone 2.8 Featuring - Damon Wayans Jr., David Krumholtz, Natalie Martinez
Summary - A grieving widower takes up residence in his small town’s church
attic. When he finds a detailed model of the town and realizes that the changes
that he makes to the model actually happen in the town, he begins to play God.
But he soon finds that being a god comes with a lot of baggage, and it isn’t
always possible to fix or foresee everything. Analysis - The detail that a man plays God in the attic of a Church is not
a subtle one. It shows the inner struggle of this god-person when someone else
dares take credit. And what will he do when he goes too far? This character
relates well to his audience and asks exactly how far would you go to do what
you think is right, and what will you do once you accidentally go too far? But
it stops short of relating this fantasy to reality, in which a commentary on
blind followers heaping praise on a sleazy, undeserving politician could have
been relevant. Dr. J - I grew up in Philly watching Dr. J fly above the rim pulling off
these crazy gravity-defying dunks at least twice a game. I remember one time,
he leaked out and got a lead pass from Maurice Cheeks and was headed for
another SportCenter moment. What would it be? A windmill? A two-handed reverse?
A back handspring? He jumped a mile into the sky, and with seemingly no idea
what he really wanted to do, he just kinda let go of the ball and it fell
through the hoop for two points. That’s what this episode was like.
Sometimes it does matter HOW you finish
#30 Smithereens, Black Mirror 5.2 Featuring - Andrew Scott, Damson Idris, Topher Grace Summary - A rideshare driver takes an employee of a
social media company hostage and demands to speak to the company’s CEO or he’ll
kill the employee. The police, FBI, and the social media company (Smithereen)
enter into a negotiation, all with different ideas of how things should go, and
things don’t seem to go as planned for anyone involved. Analysis - This episode is certainly more drama than the science fiction
that Black Mirror is more commonly known for. It makes a commentary on social
media today, but it isn’t anything revolutionary. The strength of this episode
is in the tension it creates inside the car with the brilliant acting
performance from Andrew Scott as we wait to find out exactly what he wants. And
this episode really sticks the landing. Science Fact - As I mentioned earlier, this was more drama than science
fiction. The reason for this is that this is not science fiction. Much like The
National Anthem (#48)and Shut Up and Dance (#28), this Black
Mirror episode could happen today. All of this technology is out there already.
Just replace the word “Smithereen” with “Twitter.”
You're just jealous because I'm on this list twice
#29 The Hood Maker, Electric Dreams 1.5 Featuring - Holliday Grainger, Richard Madden
Summary - In a world where a small faction of people have been seemingly
outcast for their abilities to read another’s mind, one of these “Teeps” - as
they are unaffectionately called - is hired to help the police. Though she is
looked down on and despised by her colleagues, she has proven to be useful in
the field, until it is discovered a special hood can be made to make a person
unreadable. Analysis - I enjoyed the turbulent relationship the Teep has with her cop
partner. Though the Teep community is ostracized from the “Normals,” the two of
them are forced to trust each other, as partners do. Part of that trust is that
she is not allowed to read him or any other officer without their consent. When
new information tests their relationship, she must choose between who she was
and who she has become. Yin, Yang, and Yong - Here’s a fun challenge. Watch this through the
eyes of Honor, the Teep. It isn’t hard. She’s the main character. Then watch it
through the eyes of the cop. THEN, watch it through the eyes of the “Normals.”
They are all equally relatable perspectives and thus could all be the protagonist,
antagonist, or both. The Teeps (telepaths) represent whatever oppressed
minority you choose and they’re being used for their talents by the cops. The
cops are trying to keep peace by using whatever means they can in a world
seemingly at war. And the “Normals” have created these masks because they don’t
want their thoughts to be read or tampered with. This episode is a lot more
thought-provoking than most, and it leaves you wanting to know more about the
world. Which is not a failure of the episode, but on the contrary, to its
credit.
There's something strangely familiar about this image...
#28 Shut Up and Dance, Black Mirror 3.3 Featuring - Alex Lawther, Jerome Flynn
Summary - A teenage boy has his computer hacked and a video of him
masturbating is sent back to him in an email. From here, the boy is forced into
a blackmail game in which every next step gets worse and worse, until whatever
line that he wouldn’t cross has been so stretched and blurred that it’s
unrecognizable. Analysis - Black Mirror isn’t happy unless they put some unassuming
people in an incredibly horrible situation. This episode builds up tension with
every new task the boy is asked to complete, and the audience is rooting for
him the entire episode, no matter how far he goes. It is a terrifying look into
what exactly hackers are capable of - even today - and the lengths some people
will go to to hide a secret. A New Villain - In previous versions of this screenplay, there were shots
of the hackers in an internet café in Eastern Europe - toasting and making bets
- having blackmailed the characters for fun. But in the end, Brooker felt there
was no need for it. The internet was a stand-in for the overt villains uncommon
to most episodes of Black Mirror. Yes. The internet. THE INTERNET IS THE
VILLAIN! Also - Also of note is that this is one of the most disturbing episodes
of Black Mirror. DO NOT watch it with your kids thinking it’s the music video
from Victorious.
They called the show "Victorious" because "Look at How Beautiful and Talented and Humble I Am" didn't test well
#27 The Who of You, Twilight Zone 1.8 Featuring - Ethan Embry, Daniel Sunjata, Billy Porter
Summary - A struggling and frustrated actor decides to rob a bank in a
desperate and misguided attempt to save his relationship. While at the bank, he
locks eyes with the teller and they somehow switch minds (or souls or essences
or something). The actor (as the teller) then tries to escape with the money,
and suddenly realizes this new power to switch his soul into another body could
be quite useful. Analysis - This episode has a lot to unpack in a short time. What
happens to the souls of those bodies he steals? What is going on in the body of
the actor? How will the detective assigned to the case deal with the
information coming out of whoever is in the body of the actor? A sudden boost
to his powers halfway through was a little contrived and distracting, but it is
a heck of an interesting concept to explore. ACTING! - For all you acting junkies out there, this one is for you.
It’s your standard body swap trope on coke. Not the drug, but the soda. There
are multiple actors playing multiple characters and none more than Embry, who
plays at least five very diverse characters (spoiler alert: it’s six). This
episode is fun and required a little rewinding at times for me to straighten
out which cup the ball was under. But it’s possible you all are better at the
shell game than I.
End of the First Half
Black Mirror – 9 episodes of 22 (41%) Twilight Zone – 10 episodes of 20 (50%) Electric Dreams – 7 episodes of 10 (70%)
And at the end of the first half
of play, Electric Dreams is still ahead. But again, not in the good way. It
added another 2 episodes in the 2nd quarter, making a total of 70%
of its episodes in the bottom half, with The Twilight Zone right where it
should be at 50%, and Black Mirror sitting at 41% of its eps in the bottom
half. What does all this mean? Nothing. Well, it means I like Black Mirror the
best, and then the Twilight Zone, and then Electric Dreams. So yeah, I guess it
does mean something. Sorry.
In 2011, a little-known British show filled an
anthology-sized void the greater television viewing community didn’t even know
they had in their lives. Once Black Mirror was picked up by Netflix in 2014,
the series skyrocketed to the top of everyone’s queue and became streaming
television’s next big thing. There have been a few other series to try to
piggyback on Black Mirror’s success, most notably two in particular. Amazon –
not wanting to back down from a fight – released the 10-episode series Electric
Dreams in 2017, which are all based on Philip K Dick’s short stories, and out
of nowhere and to everyone’s delight (well, mine, and I assume everyone else is
like me), Jordan Peele announced yet another reboot of the Twilight Zone in
2019. Only it would be on CBS All Access so no one would actually get to see it.
When it comes to my television viewing habits, I do like
being shackled to the same characters and plot line for the next 5-10 months as
much as the next guy. I once thought I might want to check out the X-Files.
Then I saw how many hour-long episodes there were and that number is 218.
That’s too many hours. So occasionally, it is nice to break free and change the
scenery a bit. That’s why I love these series (serieses?). These shows are all
anthological, which means the episodes exist in and of themselves as short
movies (and in some cases, regular-length movies) and you can watch them in any
order you like. I chose random because I’ll be damned if I’m gonna let Charlie
Brooker tell me in what order to watch stuff.
The truth may be out there, but somebody else is gonna have to find it
The three of these series have some subtle differences, but
only in the way Honey Crisps differ from Granny Smiths. All of these are
unburdened by the need to carry storylines, actors, or even film styles (see
Metalhead) across multiple episodes, but they also similarly need to engage
you entirely in the short run time that they have. The Twilight Zone is both
aided by and hampered by the format it has inherited – notably the theme song
and the fourth wall break by the narrator. Electric Dreams episodes are all
based on Philip K Dick short stories, and though there are many that are high
quality, there is a finite number. Black Mirror has much more freedom. Its
episodes vary in length from 41-89 minutes and aren’t handcuffed to any source
material, format, or tradition. But it also had the heavy lifting of growing an
audience from scratch.
Black Mirror is definitely the Granny Smith of the bushel in
that most of the episodes are so bitter, you can only eat one at a time and
often need to shower and call your therapist afterwards. Black Mirror delights
in leaving you feeling angry and/or empty inside. It is great for the sadist
and the thinker. They do an excellent job of showing us what technology there
could be in 5-15 years and what horrible problems that could lead to. Expect
some great twists, but be warned that some of them are tough to watch.
Electric Dreams quite frankly, is like Black Mirror Lite.
And I don’t mean that in the pejorative. I don’t drink Everclear because it’s
poison and my heart literally caught on fire last time I tried it. But I still
enjoy a nice Hard Cider. That’s Electric Dreams. It doesn’t seem to exist to
make you feel horrible, but it won’t pull punches either. Its goal seems more
to be clever and show you a world that could be. And don’t get me wrong –
there’s nothing really uplifting about any of these episodes either.
The Twilight Zone has always had a slant toward societal
allegory. Really, so do Black Mirror and Electric Dreams and most science
fiction, but that was always the rub in the Twilight Zone. And this is also a
series you could watch with your kids – for the most part. There is comedy,
tragedy, and originality, but most episodes directly say things like “Hey. The
world is still racist” and “Hey. Our political system is screwed up.” And the
narration brings it to another level of connectivity with the audience.
So I thought it would be fun to take all 22 Black Mirror
episodes, the 10 Electric Dreams episodes, and the 20 new(est) Twilight Zone
episodes and compare apples to apples. And really, I’m only doing it because
nobody has yet and somebody should. That’s either the world telling me that
this doesn’t deserve to be done or that I should do it, and it can’t possibly
be the former. I tried to do this all SPOILER-FREE, so you needn’t worry about
ruining any episodes, since the twist is generally the best part. Truth told,
of the 52 episodes, I would still recommend all but maybe 3-4 of them. These
are three great series and comparing the episodes against each other seems the
only fair way to go about it, because otherwise they’d all be ranked at a
6.5/10 and above. Well, all but 3 or 4 of them. Speaking of which…
THE FIRST QUARTER
The following are the first quarter, or the first 13 of 52.
If this was a deck of cards, these would be the clubs. Nobody gets a club and
says “Oh great, I have a club.” You know, if all other things are equal. Some
people actually call them clovers too. I’m not kidding. But I’m getting a
little off track.
#52 You Might Also Like, Twilight Zone 2.10 Featuring - Gretchen Mol, Greta Lee
Summary - This episode opens with a series of commercials, most of them
being ads for something called an egg that is just coming out. Meanwhile, a
woman seems to be waking up in her bed with shoes on and no idea how she got
there. These two storylines dance around each other and leave you to figure out
what it’s trying to say. Analysis - This episode very obviously was an allegory for something
more than just the story on the screen. But damn if I have any idea what it
was. I watched this more than any other episode trying to get it, but other
than the obvious jab at consumerism, I have no idea what they were trying to
say. Though I did enjoy the homecoming of the Kanamits from Twilight Zone
royalty, this episode is a scattered mess. Where the first season ended on such
a high note, this one missed by a long shot. What I learned - In film school, I was made to feel like if I didn’t get
something, it was my fault. Since then, I have come to terms with my at least
average intelligence, and if I don’t get it, maybe it’s not me.
We're all crazy Kanamits, living in a twilight paradise
#51 Crazy Diamond, Electric Dreams 1.4 Featuring - Steve Buscemi, Sidse Babett Knudsen Summary - In a world where erosion is taking out most of the inhabitable
land little by little and the government seems to control all the food
production and distribution, a man who works in a factory that makes some sort
of artificial consciousness plans a heist with a woman he just met. But his
indecision in carrying out his plans could be his undoing. Analysis - This episode was also a mess. There was way too much going on
for the time allotted. There were these random pig people who had little to do
with the story and were never explained. I get the feeling that all the sci-fi
components of this episode were just misdirection for what turned out to be the
story of a heist, and not an extremely original or interesting one. I’d rather
be confused than bored and here, I was both. Personal context - I once watched a guy at a fair spinning plates and he
wasn’t very good and almost all of his plates broke. That’s what this episode
was like. Next time, maybe don’t try to spin so many plates. Also, at its best, plate spinning is boring anyway. Also also, this story
is not true.
If your two options are to be either bad or boring, maybe find a different form of entertainment
#50 Impossible Planet, Electric Dreams 1.8 Featuring – Jack Raynor, Benedict Wong
Summary - The two-man crew of a space cruise ship docks after a mission to
find a strange request waiting for them. A 387-year-old lady wishes to charter
their ship for a trip to earth, which has been uninhabited for about the last
three centuries. But the crew decides to take her to a planet much closer which
closely resembles earth in hopes that she doesn’t know the difference. Analysis - There was a bit of tension in the dynamic between the crew’s
decision to go to a closer planet and the woman’s robot companion discovering
their plan, but that fizzled out and the rest of it was odd. And I like odd,
but when it makes sense. This was the kind of odd that I didn’t understand
and/or appreciate. I’m not sure if something larger was at play, but the ending
was – as advertised – rather impossible. Truth time - Truth told, I think I was too bored by this episode to
think about what it might have actually been trying to say. And that’s
not a good sign.
Me, during this episode
#49 The Blue Scorpion, Twilight Zone 1.9 Featuring - Chris O’Dowd Summary - Jeff, an anthropology professor, walks in to find his dad – a
gun-hating hippie – has apparently shot himself with a bullet that had his dad’s
name on it. As Jeff tries to sell the gun, he sees that there is another bullet
that has his own name on it. He also discovers the gun is a legend and it is
said the gun finds you, you do not find it. Over time, Jeff develops strange
feelings for the gun. Analysis - I got it. We value objects over life and can easily fall in
love with power. But also, everybody he met was named Jeff, so he didn’t know
who the bullet was meant for. It just wasn’t very resonant for me. It kind of
drug on and it didn’t impact me like those that came before and after it. It
was filler, and I think it was obvious. So you know - No, this is not a commentary on gun regulation. Also, it’s
basically Taxi Driver, but with half the run time and none of the DeNiro.
#47 The Commuter, Electric Dreams 1.9 Featuring – Timothy Spall Summary - A train station employee meets a rather peculiar woman who
asks to go to a station that doesn’t exist. After she disappears in front of
him, he becomes curious about this place she was asking about. A little digging
reveals that it was a planned community on a certain route that was never finished.
And he grows curious of what could possibly be there. Analysis - Let’s file this under things I didn’t understand. I get the
very general lesson here of somewhere between being careful what you wish for
and the grass is always greener. What I did appreciate was how this episode
sets up a world where you’re never sure if this place exists or not, but it’s
not enough to detract from a common message dressed up in a boring cardigan
that doesn’t quite fit. Insecurity - I read a blog post where a professional person called this
his favorite episode. When this happens, I doubt myself and wonder what I
missed. Then I saw him mention Impossible Planet as another favorite and I
instantly felt better. I’ll bet he probably likes Goonies as well.
#46 The Waldo Moment, Black Mirror 3.5 Featuring - Daniel Rigby, Chloe Pirrie Summary - A vulgar, animated TV character inadvertently gets drawn into
a political argument with a senator running for office, and in time, runs
against him. While this is happening, Jamie - the actor playing Waldo - befriends
a woman involved in the political race and he is placed in a position where he
has to decide between publicly berating her or disobeying his production team. Analysis - This episode maybe isn’t as bad as my rating, but I was so
disappointed and confused by the ending of it, I need the world to know. I
rather enjoyed the position Jamie found himself in between his job and his love
interest, but there was a rather disjointed feeling once he has his collapse. I
found it hard to believe and couldn’t really figure out if I was missing any
allegory, which isn’t a good sign. Life Imitates Art - This episode came out in 2013, but really provided
the blueprint for Donald Trump’s 2016 presidential campaign. Be loud, brash,
anti-politics, defensive, don’t say anything of substance, and rule social
media with entertainment and ridicule. Cut and print. Thanks a lot, Brooker.
#45 Ovation, Twilight Zone 2.4 Featuring - Jurnee Smollett, Tawny Newsome, Thomas Lennon Summary - A street performer is presented with a coin by the hottest
singer in the world shortly before that singer kills herself. This new owner
rises to the top of the public’s eye in no time and she suddenly realizes the
cost of fame might be more than she’s willing to pay. And now she’ll have to
face the choice of possibly giving up fame once she’s achieved it. Analysis - This “cost of fame” trope has been done before and this
version does not bring anything new to the table. It is rare that I feel an
episode of the Twilight Zone is as uninteresting as this, but in the end, I
feel like they just put in a twist because that’s just what they do. Just like
on Jasmine’s hit album, this track is just filler, not even the B side of a
single, if anyone even gets that reference anymore. Egg Hunt! - The magazine cover featuring the new singer Mynx from this
episode is also featured in Among the Untrodden, a future episode. Is this just
done for fun, or is this supposed to indicate these stories and people exist in
a shared world? And if so, what would that mean? No seriously, I’m asking.
Mom, what's a B side? Or a single?
#44 Human Is, Electric Dreams 1.3 Featuring - Essie Davis, Bryan Cranston Summary - Earth – now known as Terra – is running out of breathable air,
and the story centers on the government and the military who have been tasked
with travelling to another planet to steal some version of concentrated air
from the aliens that inhabit that planet. The mission goes terribly wrong and
only two survivors make it back to the ship, and their bodies may have been
infiltrated by the aliens. Analysis - It’s not only a story we’ve seen before, but one from later
in this series in The Father Thing. The wrinkle in this episode is that
the potential alien-morphed version of the colonel returning from space might
be a better person than the original human. The episode is saved by a speech
made at the colonel’s hearing by his wife about what it means to be “human.” More Human Than Human - Yes, the overarching theme behind this episode
can be summed up by a line from another Philip K Dick story (Do Androids Dream
of Electric Sheep?) turned into another movie (Blade Runner) turned into a song
by White Zombie. It’s an interesting concept and the hour I spent thinking
about it afterwards was better than the hour I spent watching this. Which is
actually a credit to the episode. And also, it isn’t.
Being human is overrated
#43 A Traveler, Twilight Zone 1.4 Featuring - Marika Sila, Steven Yeun, Greg Kinnear Summary - A mysterious visitor shows up in the jail cell of a remote
Alaskan town claiming to be an aggro-traveler, and being pardoned by the small
town sheriff as part of a Christmas celebration was on his bucket list. But
everyone seemed to be too full of being recognized by this YouTube-famous
traveler to wonder how or why he really managed to get here. All except one
deputy. Analysis - As an audience, we are immediately asked to expect that the
sheriff, mayor, and most other members of this small town are so taken with
this stranger’s obsession with this place, that they don’t bother asking who he
really is and how he managed to slip passed everyone at the sheriff’s office
and lock himself in the jail cell. From there, things didn’t get any easier to
swallow. Seventh Grade - One of the things I really enjoyed about this new
Twilight Zone series is that each of the episodes is almost like a modern
remake of an original episode. This one pays homage to the classic The
Monsters Are Due on Maple Street episode from 1960, which my class did as a
play back in 7th grade. Norman Phengvath played this character with
one line. He was leaving town and was supposed to say “I’ll be right back.”
Instead, Norman left and said “I’ll write back,” which gave the scene a
significantly different meaning.
#42 Not All Men, Twilight Zone 1.7 Featuring - Taissa Farminga, Rhea Seehorn Summary - While on a date to watch an asteroid shower in the sky, Annie
sees some of these rocks hit earth, and she and her date go out to see one of
them. As it turns out, this rock carries with it something that seems to give
men – and only men – a disease that makes them overly aggressive, and Annie
needs to get her sister and find a way out. Analysis - This is clearly an allegory on toxic masculinity
(#NotAllMen), and carries a message at the end that makes sure this point is
not to be missed. It sets up this world, but never really convinces the
audience of all of the rules by which it is governed. I found myself saying “Why
would that happen? Oh well. Moving on” more than once. However, considering
the importance of the subject matter, I recommend you ignore the low-ish
ranking and check it out. Next level analysis - In filmmaking, sometimes you have to sacrifice
story for meaning. Just like in music, sometimes you have to sacrifice meter
for rhyme. Personally, I’m a meter guy.
No, I'M a meter guy
#41 The Father Thing, Electric Dreams 1.7 Featuring - Greg Kinnear, Jack Gore Summary - A 10-year-old boy and his father are out camping when they
witness a meteor shower. In time, a few strange things happen and the father
starts to act differently. The son seems to be the only one to notice and after
doing some research, discovers some other people are having the same
experience. The boy is forced to decide if he wants to confront what is likely
an alien in his father’s body. Analysis - This is obviously a retelling of The Thing, and
doesn’t hide it – even paying homage in the title. But the 1982 The Thing,
which was a retelling of the 1952 The Thing from Another World and would
be later remade into the 2011 The Thing got it right the first, second,
and third times. This doesn’t really have anything much to add, but for the
allegory of what a divorce could mean for the father/son relationship and a fun
scene and conversation about the hot corner. If you enjoyed this - If you enjoyed this episode, you’ll probably also
like Human Is. They both explore aliens taking over human bodies and
what it means to be “human” the adjective, when you’re not “human” the noun.
OK, I heard my name like four times. What do you need?
#40 Arkangel, Black Mirror 4.2 Featuring - Rosemarie DeWitt, Brenna Harding Directed by - Jodie Foster Summary - After a mother briefly loses her 3-year-old child at a park,
she decides to have her participate in an experimental procedure which implants
a chip in her head. The mother can then locate her daughter, see what she’s
seeing, monitor her vitals, and much more. When she discovers she may be doing
more harm than good, she turns off the filters and stows the monitor. Until her
teenage years. Analysis - This is a very interesting look at helicopter parenting taken
to an extreme. And it’s easy to see how one could slide down this slippery
slope, and how temping it can be to pick it back up once your child gets old
enough to experiment with lying, drugs, and sex. Unfortunately, this
interesting look into helicopter parenting doesn’t come to a natural conclusion,
and though interesting, feels a tad disingenuous. True Story - The day DeWitt shot the scene of her screaming into her
tablet was the day after the 2016 presidential election. She said she used her
raw emotions from that event to fuel her performance. I think we all heard
those screams.
Black Mirror
– 3 episodes of 22 (14%) Twilight Zone – 5 episodes of 20 (25%) Electric Dreams – 5 episodes of 10 (50%)
And at the end of the first
quarter of play, you can clearly see that Electric Dreams is ahead. But not in
the way you want to be. Half of the episodes in its run are in the bottom 25%
of the rankings. The Twilight Zone is right where is should be statistically,
and Black Mirror only had 14% of its episodes in the bottom 25th
percentile. And now is a good time to again note that I would still recommend
almost all the episodes in various situations to different and possibly very
specific people. All but for the bottom 4ish, and even then, I recommend you
check them out to tell me why I’m wrong. I enjoy being told I’m wrong. Just ask
my wife.
The Bond Plot: A British sub that is carrying the device that controls all the nuclear subs is sunk, and after Britain and the Soviets find out, the race to recover the very valuable plot point is on. This is a good movie, and I'd highly suggest watching it to anyone who hasn't seen it; it's very "Not Roger Moore" among the Roger Moore Bond movies, and that's a good thing.
The Bond: Roger Moore, turning in his second-best Bond performance. After the absurdity of (checks notes) Live and Let Die, The Man with the Golden Gun, and Moonraker, EON and Moore deliberately made a much more serious movie. Moore's performance still contains all the Moore hallmarks, so the winking humor is still there, but it's significantly dialed down, and this is where I can finally point out: Moore was, by his own admission, not a particularly good actor, but he was incredibly charismatic, pretty damn good at said winking humor, and also insanely likable, and his best performances captured that humor and likability (watch any episode of The Saint for reference). The problem was that the winking humor became the only personality 007 had for, like, three movies, and Moore's very likable personality got buried under the "Bond cracking jokes" character type. Here, Moore is allowed to flex his acting chops, and he delivers a performance that was underappreciated in its day, but has been largely vindicated by history.
The Bond Bad Guy: Aristotle Kristatos, portrayed by Julian Glover (Grand Maester Pycelle, the Nazi who gets his face melted off in The Last Crusade, among other roles). What could have been a perfectly forgettable villain was made much better by a great actor and by the movie actually committing to the twist (Kristatos is presented as a trusted ally until about the middle of the movie), Kristatos is a former war hero turned heroin smuggler who appears to have completely betrayed everything he held dear just to make a buck, but the truth is he was always a double agent selling out to the highest bidder. Glover always brings an aristocratic flair to every role he touches, and Kristatos benefits from Glover's portrayal: you like him when you think he's a good guy, and you despise him when the truth comes out (dude sells people into slavery, is a heroin dealer, and is in league with rogue Nazis, for god's sake). Much like how this movie sometimes is lost in the shuffle of Bond, Kristatos is often overlooked in the pantheon of Bond villains.
I feel like he just lost some hair and grew out his beard, and viola, Pycelle.
The Bond Bad Guy’s Plan: Kristatos has been hired by the KGB, specifically General Gogol, to steal a MacGuffin that controls Britain's nuclear submarines. Pretty good villaining, in my opinion, and much more spy-esque than "destroy and replace the humans and live in space."
The Bond Bad Guy’s Henchman: Erich Kriegler. Kriegler is an East German biathlete and Kristatos' right-hand man. Kriegler is fine, really, and his introduction is aces, with Kriegler displaying a Deadshot-like accuracy with firearms, and a total douchebag personality. Unfortunately, Kriegler is not given many signature scenes establishing his menace, and is kicked out a window to his death toward the end of the movie. Wikipedia tells me Kriegler was played by John Wyman, who unfortunately doesn't have many credits to his name, and is also not related to Bill Wyman.
The Bond Girl: Carole Bouquet's Melina Havelock, another woman out for revenge for the deaths of her family, in this case, a couple of scientists who were originally tasked with finding the MacGuffin (ok, fine, it's called the ATAC). Havelock is pretty cool at first, and her story is compelling, but she isn't given that much to do besides get rescued by or tag along with 007. Her best scene is when she kills her parents' assassin with a crossbow; this occurs early in the movie, and she only gets away from the scene with Bond's help. She doesn't even get revenge against Kristatos in the end.
Ryan George voice: HEY THAT'S THE NAME OF THE MOVIE!
The Bond Car: We have a two-fer here, and one is great, while the other is...not. First is the gorgeous Lotus Espirit Turbo, chosen because of the success of Moore's previous movie featuring a Lotus Espirit (we'll discuss that shortly). After the Lotus destroys itself because some bad guys try to steal it, 007 and Melina escape in a Citroen 2CV, which looks like a cross between a VW Beetle and a banana.
Absofuckinglutely.
Absofuckinglutely not.
The Bond Song: "For Your Eyes Only," by Sheena Easton. I know I keep writing this, but...much like this movie, this song gets forgotten for how good it is, but it has been reappraised by the Bond fandom and is now much more appreciated than it once was. This is a really good Bond theme song. Easton might not be your first choice for a Bond singer, but she really knocks this one out of the park, and the song composition is top notch. Again: I really, really, really recommend this movie if you like Bond but skipped over it, or even if you just like spy flicks. The quality of this theme is another notch on this movie's belt.
The Best Bond Scene: So, this movie is a case where the parts aren't all great, but they add up to an outstanding whole. There aren't many scenes in For Your Eyes Only that stand out in my mind as "holy shit, that was incredible," while the movie itself is truly great. However, the opening is fucking fantastic, and contained the last appearance of Blofeld (not counting Never Say Never Again) until Spectre.
My Bond Take: A refreshingly grounded Roger Moore Bond flick, For Your Eyes Only deliberately avoided the excess and absurdity that generally categorized the Moore era and did a "back to basics" Bond movie with a much more serious tone, and it works, mostly. The villain isn't great on paper, but Julian Glover manages to get more out of the character than a lesser actor would. Glover actually nearly landed the role of 007 for Live and Let Die before the producers ultimately went with Moore. For Your Eyes Only suffered from poor reviews at the time of its release, but its reputation has improved greatly over time; this is a rare instance of a Roger Moore movie getting reappraised up, and it deserves that reappraisal. The return to being a movie about espionage, as opposed to trying to be as ridiculous as possible, is what has elevated this movie from "that forgettable Roger Moore one" to "hey, remember that Roger Moore Bond movie that everyone forgets about and is actually really awesome?"
9. Never Say Never Again (1983)
The Bond Plot:Thunderball. Bond writer/producer Kevin McClory waged a decades-long legal battle against EON and Ian Fleming (and then, later, Fleming’s estate) in order to produce his “vision” of Thunderball. This movie is that “vision.”
The Bond: Sean Connery, playing to his age as a James Bond who is slowing down and losing a step. Connery had fun with the role for the first time since Goldfinger, and his lighter touch works for this movie, as opposed to Diamonds Are Forever. Connery leaned into his age rather than try to hide it, and I’d rate this his third-best Bond performance out of his seven outings as 007.
The Bond Bad Guy: Emilio…no, Maximillian Largo, played by the great Klaus Maria Brandauer. Brandauer would be nominated for an Oscar for his role in Out of Africa two years after Never came out, and he helps elevate the goofy material this movie is made out of into something approaching absurdist art. M. Largo is functionally the same as E. Largo, as both are high-ranking members of SPECTRE, except Maximillian has a cover as a benevolent and wealthy philanthropist, whereas Emilio is just a thug.
Mr. Largo, I presume?
Never Say Never Again also fixes the mistake of Thunderball by featuring Blofeld, here potrayed by Max von Sydow, who is actually pretty great as the Bond big bad. Blofeld doesn't do that much, but his presence alone elevates the threat of Largo and SPECTRE beyond Thunderball, and gives this movie what feels like much higher stakes.
The Bond Bad Guy’s Plan:Thunderball.
The Bond Bad Guy’s Henchman: Fatima Blush, played by Barbara Carrera. Blush is this movie's version of Fiona Volpe. She's pretty decent at being a SPECTRE assassin/operative, stealing the atomic warheads, killing their accomplice, and generally being competent at her job...until she encounters 007 and his magic penis, at which point she becomes obsessed with a) killing Bond, and b) forcing Bond to admit that she's the best lay he's ever had. This results in her getting blown up at point blank range by a rocket dart shot from Bond's Q Branch developed fountain pen.
Fun fact: Ms. Carrera guest starred on an episode of That 70's Show with fellow Bond girls Maude Adams, Kristina Wayborn, and Tanya Roberts.
The Bond Girl: Domino Petachi, played by Kim Basinger. Domino is explicitly Largo’s lover in this one, and largely plays a damsel in distress for the majority of the movie, including a particularly cringey “getting sold to Arab dudes as a sex slave” part toward the end (to be fair, if you’re the girlfriend of a supervillain, maybe don’t cheat on him, on his own yacht, with his archenemy…just sayin’). Domino does have the honor, as in Thunderball, of killing Largo, although this time it’s (of course) underwater, done while scuba diving.
Kim Basinger played the same character in every movie until she eventually won an Oscar for it.
The Bond Car: There's a black Bentley, and a red Renault 5 Turbo. Neither are used much, and much like this mostly-misfire of a movie, there's not much good to say about them.
The Bond Song: “Never Say Never Again,” by Lani Hall. Hall was a jazz and pop singer who had performed extensively with Sergio Mendez, particularly with Brasil ’66, and would later win a Grammy for Best Latin Pop Performance in 1986. So, while I’m sure this is Justin Siriguejo West’s favorite Bond song and singer, “Never Say Never Again” comes off not as an epic Bond song, but as a TV show theme song, which is never a good thing. “Never Say Never Again” was actually turned down by Bonnie Tyler, which led to Hall’s selection. The musical production in this movie was as troubled as the movie production was; James Horner was the top choice for the score, but when he was unavailable, longtime Bond composer John Barry was offered the job, but Barry turned it down out of loyalty to the Broccolis. This led to Michel Legrand scoring the movie and writing “Never Say Never Again."
The Best Bond Scene: Bond throws a jar of his own piss in a guy’s face, causing said bad guy to start choking and fall down, dead (I guess?). A-MAZE-BALLS.
My Bond Take: BRING ON THE RAGE COMMENTS! I realize people hate this movie. I realize it’s, for the most part, a bad remake of a bad Bond movie, born out of one man’s unchecked ego. I realize that said man and star Sean Connery didn't speak on set and this affected Connery's performance and the overall movie. But, as someone who was turned away from enlisting in the Army at the age of 29 due to medical conditions, I dig the concept of MI6 sending an older Bond on forced vacation/medical evaluation because they think he can’t cut the mustard anymore. The fight scenes have oomph, and Connery leans into his age rather than try to hide it. Plus, this movie improves on Thunderball in every way. It’s got better acting, better action, and most importantly, the pacing is spot on because it mostly ditches the interminable scuba scenes. This movie isn’t canon, but it’s leagues ahead of EON’s Octopussy, and Connery at least finally had fun with the role again after phoning it in for Diamonds Are Forever.
8. The Living Daylights (1987)
The Bond Plot: Someone is killing spies, and it might be the KGB bringing back the policy of SMIERT SPIONAM, but maybe not. James Bond refuses to kill a female sniper at the beginning because “fuck you MI6, she’s hot,” and then has to help a Russian general defect to the west, but all is not as it seems.
The Bond: Timothy Dalton, in his first Bond movie. Cubby Broccoli had wanted Dalton in the role for years dating back to the 60s, but Dalton had always turned him down. When Remington Steele decided to keep Pierce Brosnan hostage for a little longer, the role became Dalton’s, and good God did he nail it.
Dalton was the best James Bond until Craig hit the scene, and this movie shows why. Dalton wasn’t the goofy Moore Bond, the unsure Lazenby Bond, or the too-cool-for-school Connery Bond; Dalton was the cold, terrifying killer of the books, with a healthy dose of self-loathing and jaded cynicism towards Queen and county thrown in for good measure. Only Dalton’s Bond could sell a line like “stuff my orders” and make it come off as believable. Dalton did all his own stunts, so the physical scenes hit harder than ever, and Dalton’s handsome but cruel features made Bond truly terrifying for the first time. The only weakness would be that Dalton’s Bond was a little too intimidating to be a ladies’ man.
Dalton's Bond also actually cared about his fellow agents. The only great “helper” character not named Valentine, Leiter, or Q, in the entire franchise is Agent Saunders (I know Quarrel and Mathis fans may have something to say about this), who develops a grudging and mutual rapport with Bond, despite Saunders’s by-the-book mentality and lapdog loyalty, which contrasts nicely with 007’s “tell M, the Queen, and England to kiss my Walther PPK, thank you very much” attitude towards, well, everything. Saunders is murdered in a scene that is harrowing and tense solely because of Dalton’s enraged performance, which sees Bond chasing the assassin through a crowd of bystanders and ends with him pointing a gun at a terrified child before realizing he’s letting his wrath overwhelm his entire being. The scene works, and it works because of how Dalton made the role his own.
The Bond Bad Guy: Jeroen Krabbé, a truly great and charismatic actor, as a forgettable Soviet general named Georgi Koskov. Krabbé did sniveling and conniving better than almost anyone, and the fun he has with the role elevates the character, but Koskov still isn’t going to crack any top 10 lists any time soon.
Much better is Joe Don Baker’s Brad Whitaker, an unhinged arms dealer who couldn’t get into West Point so went for the next best thing: selling weapons to everyone on earth and reveling in the chaos. Whitaker comes out of left field and is also a not-great-villain, but Baker’s performance is so wonderfully over the top that I can’t help but love him.
The Bond Bad Guy’s Plan: Koskov pretends to defect so that MI6 will take out his rival, KGB head General Pushkin, giving Koskov control of the KGB. Koskov plans to buy opium from the Mujahideen in Afghanistan to use the profits from the sale of the drugs to buy weapons from Whitaker. Koskov also wants to manipulate Bond into killing Koskov's girlfriend because reasons.
One of the reasons I could never love this movie as much as I want to is because the evil plan is terrible.
The Bond Bad Guy’s Henchman: The menacing Necros, an assassin who is distinctive for his physicality and brutal effectiveness, played by Andreas Wisniewski, whom you would probably know best as the guy from Die Hard that John McClane kills and then dresses up as a Christmas ornament. This guy probably should have been the main villain, because he gets the job done, he’s more than a match for Bond, and he’s way more memorable than the main villains. It’s rare that an actor can match Timothy Dalton on the “sheer menace” front, but this dude nails it. His murder of Saunders, as stated above, makes the whole affair personal for Bond (this is a theme in the Dalton movies), and the real climax of the movie is the grudge match between Necros and Bond, which is still to this day one of the best fight scenes in the entire franchise.
Cons: looks like a Nazi. Pros: gets the damn job done.
The Bond Girl: Maryam d'Abo as Kara Milovy, yet another girlfriend of a megalomaniac. Milovy first appears as an apparent sniper at the beginning of the movie during Koskov's "defection", but we learn quickly that she was set up to die and is actually just a world-class cellist. Milovy quickly becomes Bond's love interest, and they share several adventures together, including a sled chase scene that is so corny I think even Roger Moore would have raised an eyebrow at it.
The Bond Car: Two that I have no memory of in any significant way: Audi 200 Quattro, and Audi 200 Avant. They're...fine, I guess? I feel like if I don't remember the car very well, odds are we're not talking about a seminal Bond "car" movie here.
The Bond Song: “The Living Daylights,” by A-Ha, which many people love. Much like this movie, I find it a tad overrated. It starts off well enough, before it goes so 80s that you practically develop a cocaine habit just by listening. This was A-Ha's biggest hit by far; it isn’t bad, it’s actually pretty good, but it doesn’t compare to the titans of Bond theme-dom.
The Best Bond Scene: While the previously mentioned assassination of Saunders and resulting chase are great, this has to be the final fight between 007 and Necros. Set in a plane, and then outside of it on some cargo that is caught in netting dangling from the plane in mid-air, this fight is brutal, hard-hitting, and, most importantly, the stakes are real: this isn’t just Bond vs. a henchman, Bond legit wants to kill this guy more than anything else, and when he finally does, you really feel like it was the culmination of Bond’s mission, rather than a move made out of necessity to save himself.
Saunders, you are avenged.
My Bond Take: So, I have this at 8, and I’ve praised this movie, but I’ve seen it ranked as high as 4 on other lists, and as low as the 20s, so I’m torn. On one hand, it’s a damn fine action movie that is at times very underrated, with some great performances (particularly from its lead), and some great fights. On the other hand, I think it’s a generic action movie with lame villains that is at times very bloated, tonally inconsistent, and thus overrated. Dalton is amazing, of course, but The Living Daylights suffers from the recurring problem that many “first Bond movies” have: it was written for the previous Bond actor. There are still the lame attempts at humor, and the needless love-making scenes, which just don’t fit Dalton’s version of the character. Dalton’s Bond isn’t a guy who sips martinis, makes quips, and beds every woman he sees; Dalton is much more natural when threatening a Russian general’s mistress with a gun than when he’s trying to seduce her. He’s a guy who hates his job and himself and wants to try and make the world a better place until he inevitably dies a violent death. That’s why Dalton’s second effort as Bond, which largely ditches the jokes and ups the amount of violence and darkness, is superior to this movie.
7. On Her Majesty’s Secret Service (1969)
The Bond Plot: James Bond is searching for Ernst Stavro Blofeld. Blofeld is trying to claim a lordship, and also, is using an allergy-research clinic to brainwash women into commiting bioterrorism around the world. Wait, that's kind of a terrible plot.
The Bond: George Lazenby, in his one and only movie as 007. Lazenby is on the ass-end of a lot of jokes about his performance in this movie, his behavior behind the scenes, and his behavior after the movie was completed…and those jokes exist for a damn good reason. This guy listened to his agent who told him that Bond would be played out in the 70s and not only quit but shit on the role every chance he got, clashed with the producers and his co-stars, and generally made an ass out of himself at every turn. His career never recovered from any of that.
The Bond Bad Guy: Ernst Stavro Blofeld, played by Telly Savalas, this time minus hair and minus earlobes. Telly is really good in this movie. In fact, his only real flaw is his take on Blofeld just isn’t as good as Donald Pleasance’s take on Blofeld. I’ll still take Telly over Christoph Waltz any day.
Kojak! I mean, Maggit! I mean, Blofeld! (nailed it)
The Bond Bad Guy’s Plan: Blofeld intends to hold the world for ransom by using his brainwashed ladies to destroy the world's agriculture unless all his crimes are pardoned and he is recognized as Count Balthazar de Bleuchamp because reasons. The plot of this movie is pretty poor, and it's one of the big reasons why I've never understood the love it gets.
The Bond Bad Guy’s Henchman: Irma Bunt, who helps Blofeld at the clinic and runs everything with an icy, Germanic effectiveness. Bunt is perfectly fine as the evil, stocky SPECTRE lady, but she goes from "passable" to all-time hated villain when she murders 007's wife at the end of the movie. Bunt is also memorable for the fact that she escapes any retribution for her crimes.
The Bond Girl: The late, great Diana Rigg as Contessa Teresa di Vicenzo, or Tracy. Rigg as Tracy is a great foil for 007, is one of the most fondly-remembered Bond girls, but I've always felt that she gets more love than is deserved. She doesn't do all that much, is nowhere close to as cool as Pam Bouvier or Wai Lin, and her (SPOILER) fate at the end is what I believe most people remember her for. Bond meets her by chance and saves her from committing suicide, gets attacked by some randos, then meets her father, an international criminal (of course), who offers 007 a million bucks to marry Tracy. Bond refuses, but says he'll tap dat if dad reveals where Blofeld is. That's not that great. Still, Diana Rigg is fucking awesome, and Tracy is the one woman who could make Bond quit MI6 and settle down.
The Bond Car: Aston Martin DBS. I may criticize this movie for how overly loved it is, but this car is fucking great.
Why does 007 ever drive anything besides an Aston Martin?
The Bond Song: An instrumental by THE Bond composer, John Barry. Nothing John Barry did for the franchise was ever less than "hey, that was really good," and this is a great composition. You can argue that it's less memorable than the original theme, or the gimmick songs that followed, but Barry was a truly great composer, and the score to this movie is fantastic.
The Best Bond Scene: Tracy’s death and aftermath. A harrowing, heart pounding car chase and gunfight that seems to end with a typical quip and Bond victory, only for a shockingly poignant and sad scene to smack the viewer across the face. That this is the ending of the movie only makes it better. Lazenby, for all his faults, is fantastic in this entire sequence, I mean he really knocks it out of the park here, and I don’t think Connery or Moore could have pulled off the emotion Lazenby shows when Bond cradles the body of his wife. For one amazing, horrifying moment, Lazenby owns the screen, and there’s something to be said that it’s a rare instance of failure for the character.
My Bond Take: This is a really good movie, but it's also probably the most overrated Bond in existence, mainly because so many people insist it's the best. It's not the best. Lazenby is as bad as advertised, the plot drives everything that occurs to the point that you will wonder why Tracy is even in the movie because Bond could have found Blofeld in literally any way, and the second Bond gets married, you know Tracy is dead. This movie might have been unfairly maligned at its release, and it may deserve its reappraisal, but the concept that this is the zenith of the franchise is absurd.
6. Dr. No (1962)
The Bond Plot: Meet secret agent James Bond, 007, as he goes to Cuba to investigate shenanigans involving nuclear missile launches, to play baccarat, and have sex.
The Bond: The OG. The rizzle dizzle. The face that runs the place. Sean Connery as the first James Bond on film. This is THE performance by which all others are judged, and for many fans, it will never be topped.
The Bond Bad Guy: Dr. Julius No, played by Joseph Wiseman. No is a Chinese nuclear physicist who works for SPECTRE, and has metal hands, because FOREIGN PEOPLE DO BAD THINGS. One thing I always liked about No is, as opposed to every other Bond villain, No treating 007 to dinner actually makes sense because No is trying to recruit Bond into SPECTRE.
The Bond Bad Guy’s Plan: Fuck with American missile launches, ostensibly on behalf of SPECTRE’s client (Soviets, I’d assume), also because No had offered to work for the Americans, and they said no (LOL), so now No (LOL) is fucking with them because he’s butt hurt, but he's really just doing it for shits and giggles.
The Bond Bad Guy’s Henchman: Because this movie was really figuring out what did and did not work in a Bond movie, we have a few character archetypes to play with. I'm not going to cover all the henchmen, there are several. We'll look at the important ones.
The first professional "gentleman" assassin to appear in the series is Anthony Dawson's Professor RJ Dent, who has the MI6 station head, and his secretary, murdered at the beginning of the movie. Dent is later sent to kill Bond, resulting in one of the greatest scenes in anti-hero history.
Then we have the first "gimmick" assassins to appear in the series, the Three Blind Mice. The Three Blind Mice do the actual killing of the MI6 agent and his secretary, posing as blind beggars. They try to kill Bond more than once, but end up gettin outsmarted by 007 during a car chase and drive off a cliff and die.
Miss Taro is arguably the first evil Bond girl. An informant to Dr. No, Taro is the secretary to the governor of Jamaica, who 007 meets with at the beginning of his mission. She attempts to have Bond killed by asking him to come over to her place (for sex), assuming the Mice will kill him on the way. After he unexpectedly shows up at her place, she ends up having sex with Bond, twice, and then tricked into getting arrested. I give points for Taro managing to survive the movie.
We also have the "guy who shows up at the beginning pretending to be an ally but is actually a bad guy and exists to show how good Bond is at deduction," and "pair of women who work for the bad guy and have silly names and are also sadists."
I have to mention that there's a mechanical "dragon" piloted by some faceless goons in radiation suits.
The Bond Girl: Sylvia Trench played by Eunice Grayson, who is, from what I remember, the only recurring "love interest" Bond ever had. She doesn't do much here, but she is responsible for the introduction of one of the most iconic catchphrases in all of pop culture.
The real Bond girl here is Honey Ryder, played by Ursula Andress (dubbed by Nikki van der Zyl). She sells seashells down by the seashore (seriously) when Bond first meets her in one of the most iconic scenes in the franchise (noticing a trend here?), and ends up helping Bond and Quarrel find Dr. No. At the end of the movie, Bond has sex with her (DUH).
The Bond Car: I had to look this one up because I just don't remember this movie for the cars. It's something called a Sunbeam Alpine, which is fine, I guess. They were figuring things out here, I give them a pass for not realizing "get him in a fucking Aston Martin now!"
The Bond Song:The James Bond theme we all know and love. It started with this movie. Played on some jangling surf-rock guitar that would make Dick Dale proud. There’s a reason everyone knows the Bond theme song; it’s great, iconic, and instantly memorable. I wish movies still had memorable theme songs; the best we get these days is one Hans Zimmer “BWAAAAAAAAAAMP” after another.
Except for the Wonder Woman theme. That shit is dope.
The Best Bond Scene: There’s a reason why this movie, and performance, set the standard for all that were to follow. "That's a Smith & Wesson, and you've had your six."
Sean Connery invented the modern action hero in this scene.
My Bond Take: Still a good movie. Lots of people like to claim the Connery era wasn’t as good as remembered, but that’s mainly because of crap like Diamonds and Thunderball (and LOTS of problematic shit). Dr. No is a great movie in its own right, but a lot of the fun, at least for me, in watching it now is in seeing how different it was from what we would come to know as “a Bond movie.” It’s like watching those old Monday Night Raw episodes after Rocky Maivia turned heel and became Rocky “the Rock” Maivia, but hadn’t yet put it all together to become arguably one of the top three greatest villains in wrestling history.
Dr. No is, really, more of a grounded detective flick than an over-the-top Bond spy movie (fire-breathing mecha-dragon notwithstanding). It’s a slow, plodding movie at times, but it actually shows Bond DOING HIS JOB and investigating things, and doing, ya know, actual spy stuff, as opposed to going to fancy social gatherings and having the villain announce their presence to Bond’s face for no good reason other than to further the plot along to its conclusion.
THE “ACTUAL GOOD MOVIE” TIER
5. From Russia With Love (1963)
The Bond Plot: SPECTRE is out for revenge after 007 defeated Dr. No. There's also a plot to steal the (checks notes) Lektor, which is a fancy decoding ring, essentially.
The Bond: Sean Connery, in what is, depending on whom you ask, either his best or second-best turn as James Bond. Connery is great here, taking everything that worked in Dr. No and ramping it up, and the fight scenes in particular really work because of Sir Sean's physicality and commitment to the role.
The Bond Bad Guy: Rosa Klebb, a SPECTRE operative who recruits and trains Donald "Red" Grant, an assassin tasked with killing James Bond. Klebb's main features are her signature poison tipped shoe stilleto (I realize that comes off like an oxymoron) and her icy demeanor. She is killed by the Bond girl with her own gun.
The Bond Bad Guy’s Plan: To get revenge on James Bond, and steal the MacGuffin of the week.
The Bond Bad Guy’s Henchman: This is another "henchman as the bad guy" movie, so I went with Klebb as the big bad, and Red Grant as the henchman. Red Grant is pretty much a heavy and a heavy only, but the fight scene with Bond on the train is awesome, and Grant is portrayed by that man's man of actors, Robert Shaw, which elevates Grant from just an intimidating henchman to a complete and total badass.
The Bond Girl: Tatiana Romanova, played by Daniela Bianchi. Romanova is part of the Soviet Army, and ostensibly Bond's enemy, but she ultimately betrays her orders and kills Klebb to save 007. I do like how SPECTRE sets Bond up to have sex with Romanova so they can film it, thinking that they can use the footage to embarrass 007 and MI6. Seriously? You think James Bond is embarrassed by the sheer number of times he gets laid on the job? Please. Romanova is still pretty damn cool, especially for the era she appeared in, and has been adapted to various comics and video games as a result.
The Bond Car: Bentley Mark IV. I don't believe Bond actually is seen driving it, but he's enjoying the company of Sylvia Trench when he gets a call from MI6 on his car phone (!) about a new mission. He then puts the convertible roof so he can have sex with Miss Trench, who I believe is never seen again in the franchise.
The actual car.
As seen in the movie.
The Bond Song: "From Russia with Love" sung by Matt Munro. An instrumental version plays over the title sequence at the beginning, while the version with lyrics is actually heard in the movie, and over the end credits. Both versions are good, I like the song itself, and like this movie in its entirety, the "Bond theme song" concept really started here.
The Best Bond Scene: This:
My Bond Take: There's an argument, made by many fans, that this is the best Bond movie ever made. It might be. Most of what you think when you think "Bond," came from this movie. Desmond Llewelyn's Q appears for the first time, as does the "gadget of the week," which is the attache case seen in the scene above. Red Grant is the first memorable henchman that can match Bond in every way. Bond is seen in a real Bond car for the first time (and has sex in it!). The first movie to be scored by John Barry. And, of course, this was the first Bond flick with a pre-title sequence, now a necessary ingredient in the formula - and this is one of the best...as it focuses on the bad guys. From Russia with Love has a convoluted plot that is actually easy to follow, unlike, say The Living Daylights. The movie rocks from start to finish, doesn't overstay its welcome, never drags, takes real chances with a formula yet to be established, and paved the way for basically everything to come that we know as Bond.
4. Licence to Kill (1989)
Yes, I spelled that correctly, btw.
The Bond Plot: Good, old-fashioned revenge. 007’s CIA buddy Felix Leiter is fed to a shark and mutilated and his wife is murdered, so Bond decides to collect the rent from the man who did it. Bond goes rogue in order to exact his vengeance, and it’s fucking awesome.
The Bond: Timothy Dalton in what is finally starting to be recognized as one of the finest, if not THE finest, performances as 007 to date. Dalton takes the menace, cynicism, and righteous rage from The Living Daylights, cranks it up to eleven, then turns it up some more just because he can. This is the movie where M orders Bond to go on assignment and forget about Leiter, and Bond replies by attacking M and the other MI6 agents, resigning from MI6 and becoming a rogue agent. This movie did “Rogue Bond” way better than Die Another Day because it committed to the bit. LTK Bond is driven, pissed-off, and, most importantly, frighteningly relatable: if some damn drug dealer mutilated your friend and killed his wife on their wedding night, and you had the skills and resources to make that drug dealer pay, wouldn’t you do it? Most James Bond portrayals don’t really emphasize 007’s camaraderie with any of the other characters in the movies, but you really buy into Dalton’s desire to avenge his friends here, which is contrasted nicely with…
The Bond Bad Guy: Franz Sanchez, played by that fine wine of villains, Robert Davi. Sanchez is a refreshing take on Bond villains: no matching jumpsuits, no underground lair, no silly plan to take over the world or corner the market on widgets. Sanchez is a drug dealer, and he just wants to get rich. Sanchez also brings heretofore unseen layers to Bond villain-ing, as while other big bads tended to kill their own henchman at the drop of a hat – which Sanchez does, but only if they’ve betrayed him (or he thinks they have) – Sanchez displays warmth and real friendship towards those he deems loyal. The filmmakers couldn’t resist throwing in an animal for Sanchez to stroke while he does evil things, though. I guess a cat was too wimpy for a drug kingpin, so this time, it’s an iguana.
Somebody get this damn thing off my shoulder, please.
The Bond Bad Guy’s Plan: Actually, there really isn’t one. Sanchez is a drug dealer just trying to make that cheddar, and that’s that. Sanchez dissolves the booger sugar in oil (excuse me, petrol) and distributes it in Asia disguised as gas, and uses a new-agey religious center called the Meditation Center to distribute drugs and jack up prices, but he never once thinks, “hey, let’s annihilate all the straight people and repopulate the planet with cokeheads!” The real plan is Bond’s. Taking a page from Akira Kurosawa’s Yojimbo, Bond infiltrates Sanchez’s organization and gains the drug kingpin’s trust, convincing him to murder truly loyal henchman and undermining Sanchez’s operation from within, with the ultimate goal of killing Sanchez. Dalton’s Bond is calculating, manipulative, emotionally and morally compromised, and borderline evil in his pursuit of Franz Sanchez, and it only makes this dark movie better.
The Bond Bad Guy’s Henchman: There are a few, from head of security Col. Heller, Anthony Zerbe’s Milton Krest, Everett McGill’s traitorous DEA agent Ed Killifer, to “the Jimmy” from Seinfeld as a sniveling financial advisor named Truman-Lodge, but the real star is Benicio Del Toro, making his second film appearance as the psychotic and frightening Dario. Dario is responsible for murdering Mrs. Leiter (and, possibly, doing something unsavory beforehand), and projects a sadistic glee in just about everything he does. Dario brings the bug-eyed crazy that any Bond henchman needs while Franz Sanchez offers a more grounded villain. Also, young Benicio Del Toro is really weird to look at now.
KILL IT, KILL IT WITH FIRE.
A mention must be made to Wayne Newton’s Professor Joe Butcher. Butcher is a fake televangelist who runs the Meditation Institute, which is the front for Sanchez’s drug operation. Some people really hate that Wayne Newton is in this movie. I don’t. Newton is a natural at playing a smarmy douchenozzle, and this character is delightfully slimy. I especially love how he responds to everything with an insincere smile and “bless your heart,” even when he’s being held at gunpoint by Pam after he, in true scumbag televangelist fashion, tries to seduce her.
If you didn’t punch the screen upon seeing this, you’re a better person than I.
The Bond Girl: Yet another “two for the price of one,” with Talisa Soto aka Kitana from Mortal Kombat as Sanchez’s squeeze, Lupe Lamora, and Carey Lowell as Pam Bouvier, a tough former soldier and now DEA agent who, unlike most Bond girls, actually is kind of useful. Lupe gets a great introduction, or, at least, her horrible situation does, as we meet her having just finished some sexy sex with a lover, only for Dario and Franz Sanchez to burst in and remind her that Sanchez owns her. Her lover, of course, gets his heart cut out by the jealous Franz, and Lupe has to go back to her life as a kept woman. Lupe does buck the trend of “villain’s girls” by managing to survive the movie, and ends up hooking up with the president of whatever fictional South American country they’re supposed to be in.
Is going from a drug-dealer to a politician an improvement or a lateral move?
Pam Bouvier was one of the first women shown to be Bond’s equal, rather than just an object for him to rescue, quip at, and have sexy times with. Of course, this was the 80s idea of a strong woman, so, Pam still spends most of the movie pining over 007 and not helping out all that much. She gets her shots in, though, and does have the Road House bar fight to hang her hat on, and the great scene with Wayne Newton. Also, the scene where she introduces Bond as her secretary is just plain gold.
Bless your heart, indeed.
The Bond Car: This isn’t a “Bond car” movie. 007 drives a Lincoln Mark VII LSC at some point, and I think there’s a Rolls in there somewhere, but the most recognizable vehicle from this one is a Kenworth 18-wheeler. Normally, I would deduct points for this, but this truck, several other trucks, and an airplane make up the single best chase scene in all of Bond-dom. The physics might be absurd, but I don’t care. I don’t watch these movies for realistic physics (I don’t do anything for the realistic physics, come to think of it). As noted under the entry for The Living Daylights, Dalton did all his own stunts, and this scene would probably even make Tom “How Can I Kill Myself This Time?” Cruise blush. Fights on top of trucks, fights in trucks, fights hanging off of trucks, and lots of trucks going ‘splode, the Licence to Kill end chase remains one of the high action watermarks of this franchise.
This movie has no time for pretty cars, or pretty locations, or pretty girls, or…
The Bond Song: “Licence to Kill” by Gladys Knight, which some people love and some people hate. I understand the reasons why people don’t like it, but personally, I love it. It’s sensual, dark, and has a hint of menace, plus it’s a welcome change of pace from the sheer 80s-ness that was A-ha and Duran Duran. The only knock against this song is that it was chosen over a version written and performed by Vic Flick (that’s a real guy, not a Bond henchman) and Eric Clapton, that supposedly was tailored to match the dark nature of Dalton’s take on James Bond. I’ve never heard this, but it sounds freakin’ awesome. That said, I never turn down a chance to listen to Ms. Knight or her Pips, and her Bond theme is welcome in the pantheon of great Bond songs, in my opinion.
The Best Bond Scene: It’s a tough choice, there are a few contenders. See “The Bond Car” section, and watch the below videos.
That’s just great.
I’m also partial to when Bond frames Milton Krest for having stolen from Sanchez, and Sanchez makes poor Krest’s head ‘splode.
Or when Benecio Del Toro is killed feet freaking first in a giant, industrial cocaine shredder, and you, the viewer, see and hear every second of it.
Or when 007, after hearing a low-level henchman joking about killing his buddy Sharkey (a Quarrel-type character), flies into a rage, grabs a speargun, and straight-up murders the guy on the spot. and then leads Krest and his henchman on a great chase.
Or when he feeds that douchey Ed Killifer to the shark (and the fight scene that precedes it).
But, for my money, it’s the final confrontation between Bond and Sanchez. Licence to Kill, as stated many times, is dark. Few Bond flicks make the courageous decision to portray Bond’s victory as a loss. This is the rare Bond movie where 007 actually gets dirty; watch this final scene. James Bond is covered in grime and dust, he’s broken, bleeding, and moments away from being killed by his enemy. His final line, “Don’t you want to know why?” is delivered with a chilling edge, and is, of course, followed by Bond promptly setting Sanchez on fire. Bond then leans against a rock, victorious, but looking much more like a defeated man, having become utterly consumed by his anger and need for revenge. The movie really should have ended there, and if it had, it would probably take the top spot on this list.
My Bond Take:License to Kill, much like Dalton’s take on the character, has been massively reappraised and vindicated by history, but the movie still has its critics. This is an automatic top 5 entry on any Bond movie list. Dark, brooding, and contemplative of Bond’s place in the world and the effect his job has on not just him but the people around him, Licence to Kill bucks the Bond formula while actually showing this so-called spy doing some “spying,” which we really hadn’t seen him do since Dr. No. The tacked on happy-ending doesn’t sit well with me, but sequels had to be made. Some people like to point to the excessive violence, which I don’t really understand as a criticism (“not enough violence” is an acceptable criticism of a movie). Some fans dislike how contemporary for the 80s the movie was, which I’ll admit, it is…very Miami Vice-y at times. Some folks think that the ninja scene is out of place, but it makes sense when you realize that Interpol agents from China and Japan are also trying to take Sanchez down and view Bond as a dangerous free agent who could jeopardize a legitimate operation – which, of course, he does. The inclusion of Q is somewhat out of place with 007 as a rogue agent, but I think if Q, who has more to do here than in any other Bond movie up to this point, hadn’t been present to lighten the mood, this movie could have gone from dark and thoughtful to “just fucking depressing.” I watch this Bond more often than most other Bond movies (I don’t watch movies more than once, for the most part), and Dalton is so damn good here, it really makes you wish that he could have been in Goldeneye instead of the empty suit that is Pierce Brosnan.
Major points are deducted for the tacked on ending, which feels out of place and unearned. I put this one above From Russia With Love because Licence is more daring with the formula, the Bond is better, the villains are better, and the personal focus on the story makes everything hit harder than in From Russia With Love.
THE “LEGITIMATELY GREAT MOVIE AND DEPENDING ON MY MOOD THESE CAN COME IN ANY ORDER” TIER
3. Goldfinger (1964)
The Bond Plot: 007 has to stop a German industrialist from using radiation to ruin all the gold in Ft. Knox, which is totally how radiation and gold work.
The Bond: Sean Connery in his finest performance as 007. This movie is, arguably, THE Bond movie, and has solidified Connery as the only Bond worth mentioning for many people (like, say, my dad). Connery is great in this movie, and one thing I like is that Bond is not a superhuman in this flick. He gets beat up, captured, and is totally about to be killed by Goldfinger until Bond comes up with a very decent lie that actually somewhat logically causes Goldfinger to spare him. Probably the best character work from Connery in the role.
The Bond Bad Guy: Auric Goldfinger, played by Gert Fröbe, and dubbed by some guy named Michael Collins (but we don’t care about that).
The Bond Bad Guy’s Plan: Render the gold supply at Fort Knox radiactive and therefore useless for, like, 50 years, thereby increasing the value of Goldfinger’s own gold supply and giving him a monopoly on valuable gold, or something. HE HAS GOLD IN HIS NAME, GET IT?
The Bond Bad Guy’s Henchman: Oddjob, the second greatest henchman in the series. Oddjob is played by Harold Sakata, an American professional wrestler and weightlifter who won the silver medal in weightlifting at the 1948 London Olympics, and is most well-known for his razor-brimmed derby hat, making him something of an ancestor to Kung Lao from Mortal Kombat (TECHNO MUSIC!!!!). Oddjob is awesome, and really my only gripe with Oddjob is he was SO FUCKING CHEAP IN GOLDENEYE 64 MULTIPLAYER.
The Bond Girl:Three for the price of one. Jill Masterson, who helps Goldfinger cheat at cards, and then gets killed by Oddjob via "skin suffocation" (sure). Her sister, Tilly, tries to get revenge on Goldfinger for this, but is also killed by Oddjob.
But the one we all know is Pussy Galore played by Honor Blackman, and I think this is the only Bond girl whose actress has as Bond girl-y a name as the character she portrays. Pussy is evil for most of the movie, working for Goldfinger as part of his "make gold atomic lolz" plot, until Bond forces himself on her (cringe) and she turns to the light side. Bond and Pussy have sex at the end of the movie under a parachute in a jungle or something.
The Bond Car: What else? Aston Martin DB5. Hard to do better than that.
The Bond Song: “Goldfinger” by Shirley Bassey. This is the quintessential Bond song. Dramatic, erotic, and memorable, Bassey nailed it on her first Bond try (although she never didn’t nail a Bond song), and cemented herself as the greatest Bond singer with this song alone.
The Best Bond Scene: I'd be remiss not to mention the scene that launched a thousand parodies:
Also, this, one of the most memorable scenes in cinematic history:
Skin suffocation, got it.
My Bond Take: It’s very hard for me to be objective about this movie series. You could calmly say to me, “Hey, I watched those Dalton Bond movies, and they aren’t that great” and I’d scream I MUST DESTROY YOU and try to stab you to death with a butter knife. That being said, if I’m being as objective as possible, this is THE Bond movie. Everything you associate with Bond either started here, or was cranked up to 11. This is the movie that introduced Bond’s love/hate relationship with Q. This was the first movie where the villain had the goofy gimmick name that played into his plot. This is the movie that started the trend of killing the villain’s moll (poor Jill Masterson). And this was the first movie where they hired an awesome European actor to be the bad guy and then dubbed his lines because ACCENTS. In all seriousness, this movie is fantastic. Expertly paced, thrilling, and featuring Connery in top form, this is arguably the best movie to show anyone who wants to get into old Bond movies but has never seen any of them. Really washes that Brosnan taste out of your mouth.
2. Casino Royale (2006)
The Bond Plot: High Stakes Texas Hold’em for the sake of turning an enemy into an asset.
The Bond: Daniel Craig in his first, and best, performance as James Bond. Craig channeled Timothy Dalton’s rage and intensity while dumping the weariness to create a believable rookie killer who still gets the job done. Let me get this off my chest, finally, as we get to the end of this list: Daniel Craig is the best Bond. This movie has Exhibits 1 – ∞ in support of that proposition. Connery lovers, Brosnan lovers, Moore lovers (hahahahaha) can whine all they want about being first, about being in the movie with the good video game, or about being, uh, in a movie that allowed you to say “Pussy” as a kid without getting in trouble, but nobody touches Craig. He is the dry martini, shaken, not stirred, of Bond actors.
I recognize I left Lazenby out of the above analysis, mainly because LOL WHO GIVES A SHIT, IT’S GEORGE LAZENBY. If you’re a Lazenby fan, seriously, pick a different favorite Bond.
The Bond Bad Guy: Le Chiffre, played by Mads Mikkelson. Le Chiffre is a good bad guy in a great movie, but I have to be honest: I can’t stand looking at Mads Mikkelson. He looks like he’s been struck in the face several times with a flat, blunt object, or, as my fraternity brothers would say, he looks like somebody “downsized his face with a shovel.”
It’s like if a pug became a person and ran face-first into a wall.
The Bond Bad Guy’s Plan: Le Chiffre has to win a bunch of money at the poker table because he lost a bunch of money that belonged to an African warlord, that Le Chiffre was supposed to launder for said African warlord. Free legal advice: if you agree to launder money for an African warlord, don’t lose it. They dislike that.
Casino Royale, much like Licence to Kill, benefits from having a “smaller scale” than most Bond movies: no plots for world domination, no improbably constructed and controlled hideouts, the bad guys wear actual suits instead of matching off-brand track suits, no space lasers, no scenes where the villain decides to feed Bond dinner for no good reason. Le Chiffre is a cornered animal, a man with his back to the wall, who will do anything to save his own life. By which I mean, he’ll play some poker at an exotic casino. That’s what all desperate men do, right?
The Bond Bad Guy’s Henchman: I don’t remember, and I don’t care. This movie didn’t need goofy henchmen like Phallus Smacker or Mr. Hinklebaum or whatever. It’s that good.
The Bond Girl: Vesper Fairchild, played by Eva “Ms. Fanservice” Green. Eva Green is fantastic, and Vesper was awesome. I’d probably rank Vesper fairly high on any list even if she was utterly useless just because who doesn’t want to look at Eva Green for an extended period of time, but Vesper is a real character, with a real character arc, that, unfortunately, ends tragically, and sets 007 down a dark path.
The Bond Car: Aston Martin DB5. This car has been mentioned enough by now that I don’t have to go into detail over its bona fides. It’s pretty, it’s expensive, it’s James Bond.
The Bond Song: “You Know My Name,” by Chris Cornell. I can’t believe I’m writing this about a Chris Cornell song, but this song is not very good at all. It doesn’t feel like a Bond theme, it feels like a generic late aughts rock song, meaning, sadly, it lacks a real identity – like it was created at the behest of someone else, rather than because the artist believed in it. “You Know My Name” would stick out as a weak sore thumb on any Soundgarden album. Heck, Cornell’s solo album, which was awful, boasts better material than this. It’s not that the song is objectively shit stain terrible, it’s just…there; neither overwhelming or underwhelming. The best voice in modern hard rock should have and could have done better, and this one is just a misfire.
The Best Bond Scene: Look, they’re all good, even the part where Mikkelson is beating the bejeezus out of Craig’s gonads, but come on, that parkour chase through Madagascar with Bond and the bomb maker? You bow down before the GOAT when the GOAT walks in the room, and this scene set the tone for the entire amazing movie to follow.
My Bond Take: This movie is fantastic. Almost a beat for beat adaptation of the book, although it exchanges baccarat for hold’em, because who the fuck plays baccarat these days, and ditches SMERSH as did all the other Bond movies, Casino Royale did for the franchise in the 2000s what Goldeneye did in 90s: remind us that James Bond is, at his core, fucking awesome.
I find very little to gripe about with this movie. It is a gorgeous movie, with vivid colors making the Casino as much a character as the humans inside of it. The action is thrilling, visceral, and, at times, parkour-y. Craig’s Bond, or “Dalton 2.0” as I call him, possesses the anger, intensity, and physicality to truly inhabit the role, while making the jokes work without descending into Roger Moore’s self-deprecating bullshit. Quantum, hinted at during the end of the movie, was (initially) a worthy stand-in for SPECTRE, which was unavailable due to legal issues. I happen to like the end of the movie, because it shows that 007 isn’t invincible. Yes, he has to be saved by Mr. White, but, to me, it shows the cold cruelty of Bond’s world: victory or failure are distinguished by a very fine line, and a win often feels just as bad as a loss. Bond’s, er, bond with Vesper is the second-best relationship in the series, and you get the hint of how Bond’s eventual disillusionment with his job, and his self-disgust, came to define him in his later years.
And, finally…and I will die on this hill...
1. The Spy Who Loved Me (1977)
The Bond Plot:Moonraker, but much better, and also ♪Unda da Sea♪
The Bond: Roger Moore, turning in not just his finest Bond performance, but one of the top Bond performances to date. Moore dropped the winking at the camera for a much darker, much more serious portrayal, and it paid off in spades. This is one of the rare pre-Dalton movies that shows any hint of past trauma, when Bond icily shuts down any conversation about his marriage, and his chemistry with Barbara Bach makes for one of the series’, and cinema’s, great pairings.
The Bond Bad Guy: Curd Jürgens as Karl Stromberg, who in a lesser movie and in the hands of a lesser actor, would have come off as just a low-rent Blofeld, which is exactly what he is, complete with feeding underlings to sharks when they fail him (Blofeld was originally supposed to be the villain of this movie). But Jurgens’s performance as Stromberg elevated the character to more than he is on paper. With his intense stare and quiet menace, and standing at 6’4” tall, Jurgens made Stromberg intimidating, imposing, and, most importantly, both megalomaniacal and subdued at the same time, always key for a good Bond baddie. Stromberg also had webbed fingers, which is a good thing considering his evil plan.
The Bond Bad Guy’s Plan: Standard nuclear-apocalypse-and-replace-the-human-race shenanigans. This time, Stromberg wants to destroy the surface world by stealing nuclear submarines from the Soviets and the Brits, firing off the missiles, thereby framing both sides and starting a nuclear war. Stromberg then can start a new human race from his aquatic headquarters, Atlantis (of course), under the sea and under his direction.
Ok, his house kind of looks like a crab, but whatever.
The Bond Bad Guy’s Henchman: BOW BEFORE THE AWESOMENESS THAT IS JAWS! The cool, evil version of Jaws, that is, played by Richard Kiel.
Aww yisssss.
Silent, terrifying, and deadly, just like his namesake, Jaws is, in this movie, the greatest henchman in the history of henching or men, and unspoiled by his future appearance in Moonraker. Our introduction to him sees the giant enforcer chasing a terrified and doomed mark in Cairo. Jaws is completely unstoppable, biting through a heavy chain, and, ultimately, the poor bastard’s head. Yes, I’m aware that metal teeth wouldn’t work this way, but I don’t care, he kills a fucking shark with those teeth. Jaws rules, and gets extra points for surviving the events of the movie (points that are promptly taken away by Moonraker).
The Bond Girl: Barbara Bach as Major Anya Amasova aka Agent Triple X, a KGB spy who is investigating the case on behalf of Moscow at the same time Bond is doing so for MI6. Amasova is the first fully fleshed-out Bond girl, every bit Bond’s equal, and their love affair comes off as much more believable than most (if not all) others. Amasova has real conflict in this movie because at the beginning, Bond killed her lover, also a KGB agent, when the KGB attempted to ambush and kill Bond in the cold open.
The Bond Car: The Lotus Espirit, tricked out to double as a submarine. Awesome car, awesome use of the car, and you’ll never convince me that Delorean didn’t rip off this design when they built the DMC in 1981.
The Bond Song: “Nobody Does it Better” by Carly Simon. I doubt I have to explain to you why this song is so amazing. “Nobody Does it Better” aptly sums up this movie, because no Bond movie has EVER done it better than The Spy Who Loved Me.
The Best Bond Scene: There are many to choose from, but the winner is the cold open. Bond having sex in a cabin, skiing downhill in Austria while killing KGB goons, then going into free fall and unfurling the Union Jack parachute, remains the gold standard in Bond cold opens.
My Bond Take: The best Bond movie, far and away. Why? Because it boasts so many “bests” in the series, to wit:
Best Bond Car – Lotus Espirit
Best Bond Girl – Barbara Bach
Best Bond Cold Open – the Union Jack chute/slalom race
