by Ed Poretz
The editors were hoping I would forget about me. I didn't.
I’m back, dbags!
What, you thought I’d go away with 2020, too?
Let’s finish this.
6. KYLO REN
Aka “low-rent Darth Vader with a perma-duck face.”
Let me get the following out of the way: Kylo Ren is actually a neat character, and Adam Driver is a very good actor. Kylo Ren is especially interesting in TLJ, as he is essentially the voice of a very important part of the Star Wars audience: me.
“Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to.” Amen, brother.
“You come from nothing. They were filthy junk traders who sold you off for drinking money.” Preach. Fix this stupid franchise one awesome line and murder at a time.
“Concentrate all your fire on that man.” Bad move, dude. I could’ve told you not to fuck with the Joker, but, hey, you do you.
Kylo Ren is, in many ways, everything that is both wrong with Star Wars, and right with TLJ. He’s the son of Han and Leia and is a Jedi/Sith (FANSERVICE! IT’S THE STUFF YOU GREW UP WITH, kinda), but also kills Han and drags this dried-up zombie of a franchise, and its kicking and screaming fanbase, into the future.
I still haven’t seen a better bit of Star War-ing than the fight between Snoke’s guards and the Rey/Ren tag team (I’m fielding potential team names here; I’m torn between “Key,” and “Finally, Not Incest!”). I still haven’t seen a more organic Star Wars relationship develop in a Star Wars movie than the Rey/Ren relationship. In fact, now that I write this, I think they could have made this series much better if they had cut everyone else out and focused on Rey and Ren.
But they didn’t do that, so here we are.
Ultimately, Kylo Ren is let down by - man I’m getting tired of writing this - the writing he was subjected to and the movies he was in. There was probably a really interesting story to tell here; lord knows, Rian Johnson tried. But JJ was only interested in having his very own Darth Vader, all the way down to the redemption = death story arc, so all the good will and growth we saw in this movie was undone.
What made that growth so interesting was that Kylo grew…in the wrong direction. I wanted so badly for him to see the light that we all knew was inside him was inside of him join Rey. But just as Luke Skywalker was forced to confront the fact that things aren’t black and white, so did Kylo force the audience to confront the fact that evil isn’t always a fantastic or grandiose; it can be a petulant child who quite clearly knows better and just flat out makes the wrong choice.
Kylo slammed the door on his turn to the side of the angels and was being set up as the big bad. That was cool, that was different, and most importantly, it was believable; here was this poor kid, manipulated, abused, and betrayed by almost every single authority figure in his life, finally taking the reins and letting his frustration loose on the world. It made a lot of sense that he would kill Snoke and decide to take over the galaxy himself. It’s called “conflict,” something that Star Wars characters aren’t allowed to have, unless it’s between the different sides of the force, or between a representative democratic republic and Space Nazi Germany.
VERDICT: Finally, a real character. Yes, I know he became boss of the First Order and blew up a galaxy; we’re talking the character trope – which this entire franchise is constructed with. Kylo Ren represented a maturing of the Star Wars formula into something more closely resembling the former extended universe, now known as the Legends Canon. Should be higher, but there are other, better, real(er) characters who displace him.
5. REY
Remember when Rey wasn’t Palpatine’s granddaughter?
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| OOH, OOH, I DO!!! I DO!!! |
THAT WAS GREAT.
I fall firmly in the “Rey being a random schnook is awesome and gets to the heart of what makes Star Wars Great” camp.
The Rey of TLJ is, to me, a true stand-in for the audience. Rey shows up on…I don’t even know what the hell planet Luke is on, Earth, maybe? We’re going to call it “New Zealand.”
Rey shows up New Zealand expecting to find the Jedi Knight, lightsaber in hand, ready to kick the asses and right the wrongs, all to John Williams’s soaring theme.
Rey found a bitter, beaten, broken jackass of a man who had completely lost his way and, for all intents and purposes, became that alcoholic constantly whining about how he should have been a better husband.
The resultant bond that grows from between the two is very organic. In the beginning, Luke doesn’t trust Rey, Rey doesn’t want to believe what Luke’s become; but rather than a pet the dog moment – we get that from Yoda, later – the two actually evolve somewhat realistically. Rey learns to accept that perhaps Luke Skywalker isn’t some mythic creature but a person who has hopes, hates, dreams, failures, and diarrhea just like the rest of us. The best part is the training she undergoes SUCKS hard, and so she really comes off as having earned her “AHA!” moment.
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| Cool Hand Luke: Even in the darkest timeline, Luke Skywalker gonna drink some weird-ass dairy product. |
When confronted with her *not real* parentage, she bends, but does not break. Rey affirms her belief in an objective “good,” if not the exact good she had worked up in her head from hearing stories. She opposes Kylo Ren and refutes his offer, but refuses to give up trying to get through to him.
In turn, Rey is the catalyst that gets Luke to remember just who the hell he is, stop crying about making a mistake and go out and show the First Order exactly just what the fuck the force can do.
VERDICT: Rey is a true Jedi in this movie. Heroic, inspirational, and selfless. Also, a total monster with a lightsaber when the situation calls for it.
4. FINN
So, let me just say that Finn, Rey, and Ren were really hard to rank.
They all teeter on the edge of “pretty good” and “maybe actually great.”
So, I MIGHT be giving the edge to Finn because he shares the majority of the film with my [SPOILER ALERT] favorite character, but it’s not that. At least, not just that.
Finn is a stormtrooper, he sucks at being a soldier, and I love that. If I could adopt that concept as an actual child, I would.
Stormtroopers are the worst fodder enemies of all time. Their successes can be accurately summarized as:
The attack on that weird penis-ship at the beginning of The Force Awakens 1 A New Hope;
Jawas; and
Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru.
There is a good reason why no one ever said “OH NO THE IMPERIAL STORMTROOPERS ARE COMING WE ARE SO FUCKED.” They can’t hit the broad side of a barn and are so bad at tactics that they actually stand in the open, in a line, like the Redcoats did in the American Revolution. I’m amazed there isn’t a kiddie stormdrummer.
Which brings us back to Finn; I love the idea of a former stormtrooper joining up with the good guys and generally being horrible at all things military. That’s funny, and funny is money.
But Finn is more than that. Here is the only one of our heroes who looks around at what’s happening and immediately goes, “Nope!” This is the only sane man surrounded by lunatics. Considering this guy was kidnapped as a child and indoctrinated as a killing machine only makes it better that he is the only one who possesses any instinct for self-preservation.
Finally, Finn has a real arc. He’s a selfish dick who meets somebody that inspires something in him. I realize that a lot of people did not like this particular story, which is fine. Personally, I’d take three more movies of Finn and Rose doing their Beavis and Butt-head routine across the galaxy over whatever High Republic crap they’re about to peddle. What cannot be denied is that Finn finds something to believe in and puts himself aside, kind of like Han Solo except it doesn’t come out of nowhere.
VERDICT: This guy was actually a scoundrel, but he ain’t heavy, he’s my brother.
3. LUKE SKYWALKER
TLJ Luke is the best movie Luke.
Why? Because Mark Hamill was just a learner in the original trilogy. This movie? He is the master.
Mark Hamill didn’t actually get good at acting until Return of the Jedi (I don’t have a joke for that one). He was pretty lousy in the first one, okay in the second, and absolutely fucking great in the third. The fact that the third movie is weaker than the other two is not Hamill’s fault, and he outshined everyone in that movie.
Fast forward 37 or so years, 30 of which include Hamill’s Joker, and the man is an elder statesman who can legitimately say he can command an audience through his voice alone. Very few people can say they displaced Jack Nicholson’s iconic take on an iconic character, let alone can say they did it with a cartoon. Mark Hamill can say that.
Mark’s Luke is tortured; I’ll admit that I found myself getting ready for him to get his shit together (thank you, Yoda). The majority of the journey was a joy to watch, though. The revelation that even Jedi Masters are fallible people who can fuck up and not turn into Space-Nazis is a refreshing change. Luke’s status as an unreliable narrator was a neat device; seeing the same memory from Luke’s viewpoint that he believed was justified, to realize that what he was doing was monstrous, was crushing when coupled with the horrible and traumatizing memory Kylo Ren must live with. Neither man is correct, yet neither is truly wrong. Luke’s guilt is real, and he is a good person for feeling remorse; just as Kylo Ren’s pain and fear, while real and legitimate, are no excuse for his actions.
Most importantly, when Luke does put his big boy pants on, he reminds us all what it means to be a Jedi. Some people have tried to tell me that Luke using an illusion and then dying “betrays Star Wars.” What? That move was the ultimate awesome Jedi move. The Jedi are selfless; it’s what separates them from the selfish Sith. Where the Sith are warriors bent on imposing their will on others, Jedi are teachers who inspire, protect, and try to avoid violence. Luke sacrificing himself to save the Rebels Resistance, stop the Imperials First Order dead in their tracks, put a clown suit on Kylo Ren, and not have to fire a single shot or hit anyone with a lightsaber is as Jedi as it gets. Luke finally realizes he can escape the cycle of violence that had defined his life and goes out on his own terms.
Finally, this:
VERDICT: Finally, the student becomes the master.
2. WHATEVER BENICIO DEL TORO’S CHARACTER WAS CALLED (WE’RE GOING TO CALL HIM “TIM”)
I can’t remember this guy’s name, and I’m not looking it up.
As far as I’m concerned, Benicio put on some old-World War I uniform, wandered on set, and injected a healthy dose of reality into this simplistic franchise.
Holy cow, the good guys aren’t all good? There’s *gasp* collateral damage in these wars? You wouldn’t know from, say, someone’s reaction to their home planet being destroyed in front of their very eyes, but yes, in fact, endless warfare does have consequences. Tim embodies a much-needed element that Star Wars had been missing for years: gray.
Star Wars has always been about blacks and whites. Good guys are good, bad guys are bad, redemption is possible if one turns their back on their beliefs and believes the objective good. Tim, of course, upends that simplistic and myopic belief system. He is unapologetic about selling his services to both sides; why shouldn’t he? He correctly points out that the so-called “good guys” are just going to impose their will on everyone else; he points out that their idea of what is “good” hasn’t really worked out for them; and when he sells out Finn and Rose, he doesn’t do it for any reason other than it suits him at the moment. This character is an actual person in a franchise built on tropes and myths.
Also, he’s only in about ten or fifteen minutes of the movie, so he didn’t have enough time to do something bafflingly stupid because the plot demanded it.
VERDICT: Much appreciated for injecting an amount, no matter how small, of grown up sensibility into this movie.
HONORABLE MENTION:
Yoda: Not in the movie enough to be ranked, but way better than the prequel bullshit. Cranky Yoda and Cranky Luke >>>>>>>>>> most other characters in this franchise.
AND NOW, NUMBER 1:
1. ROSE TICO
Oh Rose Tico, you deserved so much better than what you got, but what you gave us, I will forever be grateful.
Rose exposed the Star Wars fandom for the toxic group of manbabies it truly is. If a Space-Asian woman being portrayed as competent is something that scares you or “ruins my favorite franchise,” then Rose is doing something right.
What, exactly, did she do right? EVERYTHING. Seriously, Rose is by far the most competent person possibly in any Star Wars movie.
When we first meet her, we find out her sister, a fighter pilot, just died (because of Poe, of course). Is Rose whining about how life isn’t fair? Falling into George Lucas-childish bullshit philosophizing? NO.
She’s zapping deserters because the Rebels the Resistance is in trouble and can’t afford to lose anyone else. She zaps Finn, leading to my favorite Star Wars friendship.
I say favorite because Rose actually gets over herself and listens to someone else. She is understandably pissed at all deserters, and Finn, because, well, Finn does act like a deserter on more than one occasion. But when Finn explains what he’s trying to do, does Rose refuse to listen?
No. She actually concedes that he has a point, and then combines her mechanical know-how with Finn’s insider info on the bad guys to come up with an actual, non-Poe Dameron-esque, plan.
Rose is brave. Rose is loyal. Rose is skilled. She inspires a slave on Canto Bight to help her and Finn escape and to identify with and support the Rebels the Resistance. Rose punked out General Hux, because Rose is a boss and that’s how you treat Space Nazis. Rose rescued Finn from the Star Destroyer Supremacy, allowing Finn to finally go mano-a-womano with Phasma. What can I say, they make a good team!
Rose saved Finn again on the red-soil planet (again, not looking this up). Now, her kissing Finn was a bit out of nowhere, but I really liked her speech about fighting for what you love and not against what you hate. Very Jedi.
All of the above makes for a character I can get behind: a combination of pragmatism and idealism, who possesses useful skills that are put to a realistic good use, and who relies on others in situations that are outside her skillset (Rose is a mechanic/engineer, not a warrior, for example).
Rose’s innate belief in the goodness of people also rings true in Star Wars. Jedi are not supposed to resort to violence, are not supposed to kill their prisoners, and are supposed to believe in the light inside of all of us.
Rose could have easily become bitter of her sister’s death; her sister was a “warrior,” lead into battle by a dumb lunatic, and died somewhat needlessly. But Rose didn’t break, unlike the majority of the force-users we’ve seen in this franchise, who become Space Hitler at the slightest hint of adversity. Rose’s resolve to defeat her enemies and save the galaxy only gets stronger; she believes in the cause she is fighting for and is the most honest representation of that cause. Her anger at Tim’s betrayal and “it’s every man for himself” attitude is earned in a way that Poe, Rey, and Finn wouldn’t be able to portray realistically.
But mainly, I like Rose the best because, out of almost all of these people, I’d want Rose as a part of my military outfit. If the Rebels the Resistance was nothing but Roses, the Empire the First Order would be fucked. Less Poe, more Rose, please.
VERDICT: Not only would I allow her to serve on the USS Defiant or the USS Enterprise, I’d make her chief engineer. Allowing a Star Wars character to serve on either of the two best Star Trek vessels is the highest praise I can give.
ADDENDUM: Promote this lady to General, and do it now. Or start writing “National Lampoon Presents Finn and Rose’s Coruscant Vacation.”
2ND ADDENDUM: I would watch “National Lampoon Presents Finn and Rose’s Coruscant Vacation” in a movie theater, probably more than once.
Well, that’s the end. I’ll sign off with the most iconic Star Wars line; say it with me now.
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