 |
| Really. A box? REALLY? |
Look, you guys really fucked this one up. When I first saw
Ghidora unfurl all three of its gnarly fire breathing heads in the beginning of
“Godzilla: King of Monsters,” I was on a Lufthansa flight back from Munich to
Chicago, I’d had a little too much wine in the business lounge before boarding,
and I screamed “OH SHIT” so loud I woke my neighbor (“errr… entschuldigung,
bitte!”). But you didn’t just fuck up because you voted Ghidora out of the
tournament in round 1; you fucked up because you didn’t even see this movie.
 |
| King Ghidora, not noticing a box of death ghosts because it's a three-headed dragon you can't kill that summons monsters and is the size of Pittsburgh. |
No, don’t lie, I KNOW you didn’t see this movie! I only saw
it because it was that or “50 Shades Greyer” and that would’ve been an
exceptionally poor airplane viewing decision. So I get that you didn’t know
that THIS MOVIE HAS THIS FREAKING CAST:
 |
| Why you didn't see this movie, I still don't understand. |
So now that you know all of that, let me break down why King
Ghidora would’ve straight up smoked everyone else in the competition IF YOU ALL
HAD SEEN THIS MOVIE.
Legends and Lore
Godzilla’s most notorious nemesis dating back to 1964, KG is
essentially a genetically engineered alien monster from the future. He’s a
hydra (hail hydra!) and just like they tell you in Captain America, when you
cut off one head, another one just grows back.
 |
| "Hail Hydra, and by Hydra, I mean Ghidora because that guy could F some Avengers up right quick." |
Godzilla is, for all intents and purposes, considered King
of the Monsters (Mothra is Queen, not sure how they work all that out but just
go with it) until Ghidora descends and drags them both like trash to the curb.
KG also has the power to summon all the other evil Titans, like a
fire-breathing pterodactyl and gross cockroaches and spiders the size of
Pittsburgh out of their slumber and turn them against humanity and the good
Titans.
So Godzilla and Mothra = benevolent monsters with power to
save humanity (many put King Kong into this box as well). Ghidora = biggest
jerk in galaxy who gets other kids to act like jerks too.
I won’t spoil the greatest movie you forgot to see because
you didn’t know it was a thing. But suffice it to say, Godzilla has to undergo
some hefty nuclear power metamorphosis to even come close to fending off one,
two, let alone all three of Ghidora’s nasty faces. He also needs help from some
heavy hitters. Yeah those are some B-2s coming in to shoot at KG like flies on
a windshield.
You all picked a fucking dusty old box full of death to beat
this guy.
Box.
 |
| "It's a box." |
Three-headed death monster you didn’t pick.
 |
| Those jet planes are the size of one of Ghidora's eyelashes. Not pictured: boxes, of any kind, because they're too small to matter. |
As Coach Pat Desert shared in
the post game presser after Round One, “If you cut one head off, there’s just a
lot of KG Blood everywhere.”
 |
| The face we all should be making upon reading the results of this match. |
Y’all coulda had a bunch of
bad blood. SMH.
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