Apocalyptic Epics in the Time of Covid: Ranked

Call it wishful thinking, but lately, I've been inexplicably drawn to the genre of endtime-y films in which space, climate change, and benevolent or malevolent extra terrestrials deliver a swift solution to humankind in the throes of worldwide doom. Perhaps it makes sense that in a time when world leaders evoke Bond villainous caricatures that we would look skyward (or Hollywood-ward?) for escape. And while many of these fall back on a sort of secular sense of savior-ism to answer the questions the screenplay would not, it's a nice refresh from the pace of doom and gloom headlines to spend two to three (cough cough Interstellar that's all you cough cough) hours escaping Earth. Here are Movie Madness' recommendations for your much-needed break from masked living.

My God, does this make me miss seeing movies in theaters.

Let's dispense with the honorable mentions first:

• Restore some semblance of American patriotism: Independence Day.
• Laugh at our collective global stupidity in the face of doom: Mars Attacks!
• Feel less sad feelings about your shitty family life: Deep Impact
• Get 21st century crappy music out of your by replacing it with crappy 19th century crappy music and also catch Steve Buscemi riding a missile: Armageddon
• It hurts less because it's someone else's planet/world ending and not yours: Thor Ragnarok
• Avengers: Endgame: Because the scene where Captain America wields Mjolnir AND boomerang style bounces his shield off Thanos' balls-chin
• Well, that aged well because space technology hasn't really changed much since: Contact
• Most f*cked up aliens ever/I don't EVER want to f*ck with that bear: Annihilation

And here's a weird alphabetical cross-referenced list of actors who appear in more than one of the movies we're referencing today: Jessica Chastain (Interstellar, The Martian); Matt Damon (The Martian, Thor: Ragnarok--blink and you'll miss it); Jeff Goldblum (Independence Day, Thor Ragnarok); Matthew McConaughey (Contact, Interstellar); Natalie Portman (Annihilation, Avengers: Endgame--blink and you'll miss it, Mars Attacks); Sebastian Stan (Avengers: Endgame, The Martian); Tessa Thompson (Annihilation, Avengers: Endgame, Thor: Ragnarok); Benedict Wong (Annihilation, Avengers: Endgame, The Martian)

I'm sorry, tell me again how you think YOU feel isolated?

Top Three:

1. The Martian: No matter how low you're feeling in your quarantine, Matt Damon embodies the absolute best qualities in humanity in this thrilling space survival epic. Unlike the rest of the celestial-set films on this list, this one seems to end with a firm happy ending that doesn't completely stray from the realm of scientific plausibility. Damon handily collected the Golden Globe in 2016, which is a rare feet for the majority of his colleagues whose characters journeyed into the beyond. It's worth noting that this is one of the few films that truly holds up against the book version, and that it seems to earn a seal of approval from more aerospace professionals than the rest in this category. Even having read the book before seeing the film and even upon repeat-viewing, the relatable qualities Damon brings to the screen along with the "Jesus I hope those schmucks back on Earth can help save me" anxiety thrumming throughout the movie keep it a riveting and emotional watch.
2. Interstellar: While the third hour of this movie--yes I said three--sort of steadily undoes some of the groundwork laid in the beginning of the film, this gets an edge over the #3 film on our list because of the outstanding ensemble cast chemistry and the sheer breathtaking beauty in every powerful shot. Matthew McConaughey does that thing where he plays every key on the piano in an actor's range and Jessica Chastain is utterly transfixing in her own capacity to do the same. Like most Christopher Nolan films, there are a million Easter eggs to be collected along the way your second time through watching that make you say "Ohhhhhh, of course"; whereas you may be too enchanted by the shimmery rings of Saturn and the magnitude of the soaring waves on poor Dr. Miller's planet to notice clues toward the endgame your first go-round. And also like most Christopher Nolan films, the ending asks you to willingly suspend disbelief for the sake of love and hope. But the movie is so mindblowing in its visual execution and acting talent that you are sort of willing to make the trade off.
3. Gravity: This film loses by only the slightest chunk of satellite debris to Interstellar simply because you have to be in the mindset to spend a lot of the movie in silence, in the inner dialogue of a solo character, and in the haunting soundtrack by Steven Price. That said, the risktaking by Alfanso Cuaron paid off with an Academy Award for Best Director; it turns out he rejected repeated requests from the studio to cement a firmer finale for Sandra Bullock's character. He refused to stray from his commitment to his vision of her journey, and it pays off. Like The Martian, this gets high marks from NASA alum for technical accuracy. While, like Interstellar, there's an underlying reliance on secularism and hope to pull our protagonist through, the series of unfortunate events that lead to the dynamic plot crises seem entirely possible. There are also a ton of Easter eggs and tributes to space epics that came before, such as 2001: A Space Odyssey, scattered throughout.

Helllllll noooooooo why aren't there cyanide pills for this kind of sh*t?!?!?!