The concept of this Movie Madness tournament was born out of the need for unpredictability. I had been putting movies in a bracket and voting myself for years, sometimes with the help of my cats. But that was stupid and lonely and the same damn movies won every time, so it was also boring. I knew that outsourcing the voting on these tournaments to the plethora of questionable motives and poor taste of the internet people was risky. But eventually, boring and lonely and stupid needed a friend. Or an enemy. Or at least something else.
And so, with a reluctant click of a mouse, I decided to see what Facebook had to say. I get that not everybody has the same special place in their heart for Big Fish and Back to the Future Part II, but there have been some decisions so infuriating, I came close to flushing the tournament, the group, and my profile down the toilet and just leaving in its place a broken heart emoji with a bunch of tiny shit emojis pouring out of it under the saying You know what you did.
I have very painfully scoured the recesses of my brain for the moments I have since blocked out so that I may exist in this role without constantly wanting to punch myself in the dick. These decisions exist for different reasons: spite, the need to be clever, forgetfulness, inexplicably poor taste – but they all have one thing in common. They came dangerously close to blowing up the entire system. Because I am not nor have I ever claimed to be a gracious or forgiving benefactor.
#5 – Bad Romance:
I have tried to stay out of the way as the commish of this tournament. NO RULES is proudly displayed on my official Movie Madness Facebook group certification hanging over my mantle. I trust you people to do the right thing. Not as individuals, seeing that Deep Throat still gets nominated for shit on occasion, but as a group. When Best Documentary comes up and Corey nominates Space Jam, I trust that smarter, more developed heads will prevail. And they do.
Except when they don’t. Because sometimes, they won't.
I get it. I really do. As a standup comedian and an author of a comedy book, I understand the desire to be clever, the need for people to see you as funny, or different. Somebody who thinks outside the box. No woman has ever gone home with a guy whose favorite ice cream is vanilla. And if one did, I bet she was only there to steal government secrets. But as the Nazis from Raiders of the Lost Ark will tell you, sometimes boxes are there for a reason.
January 8, 2017. Movie Madness IV. Theme: Genres.
The nominations thread goes up. Best Romance. Some of the usuals get tossed around. When Harry Met Sally. Love Actually. The Notebook. But before all that, the first movie mentioned was Deadpool. Haha I thought. How cute I mused. It was the first year Deadpool was Movie Madness eligible and people really loved that movie. And hey look! People are so moved by the love story that they feel compelled to mention it. That’s adorable. No rules. Great concept.
CUT TO: January 10, 2017. Interior, internet.
The poll goes up. Deadpool is in it because it’s in the top 10 in the nominations thread. Sure. I mean dumb crap gets into the poll all the time. Except Space Jam. Nobody else likes that movie, like AT ALL. Deadpool gets some votes. Other stuff gets some votes. I look at IMDB. Deadpool: Action, Adventure, Comedy. Not romance.
CUT TO: January 11, 2017. Interior, Dustin’s car.
It’s been 24 hours. It’s a Tuesday. I bring my daughter to school. I leave with Morris, intending to go to the DC Metro dad’s playgroup. I check my phone to announce to the waiting public who will get an automatic bid to the tournament by winning the Romance conference. No, not Action or Comic Book, or even the Romantic Comedy conference. Romance. Deadpool. I refresh my browser. Still Deadpool. I check the title of the poll. It says simply Best Romance. I throw my phone out the window. I scream something about friends not being real friends if they just want to hurt you. I start to become the Hulk, maybe Wolverine. I don’t know. But something changes. I notice my son has been crying for 5 minutes. I tell him it’s OK. It’s not his fault yet that people have such a need to be clever that they’re willing to hurt people for it. Bobby rejoices. Says he’s proud people thought so far out of the box. I scream something about Blockbuster and genres and expectations. He said What’s a Blockbuster? I throw my other phone out the window. Morris begins crying again. I go get my phones. We go to Dunkin Donuts. It is now a cheat day.
See, I love Deadpool. It was a certain kind of refreshing I didn’t see coming, and I enjoyed every minute of it, even the love story in it. But if I went to a Blockbuster (or Amazon Prime) and spent money on a romance to watch with my special lady friend to try to get her in the mood, and it turned out to be this and she wasn’t into it, I’d want my money back. And my vanilla ice cream. And my government secrets. This was a time when a group of people saw the chance to be clever and latched onto it, consequences be damned!
All that said, I wasn’t really pissed. I was annoyed. Deadpool was going to get in the tournament anyway, and now it probably just stole a spot from perennial loser The Notebook. I just like throwing phones. And my son was crying because Ira Glass was talking politics at him for like 20 minutes, and there was nothing he could do about it. Anyway, this is why it’s only #5. But it did give me pause about how much rope I give the group. I worry a little bit more that Endgame will win the Best Classic Movie conference now that I have seen I can’t trust you people. And yes, I say you people, because if we’ve learned nothing from the past four years, it’s that we can deny the outcome of a vote that we participated in if we disagree with it. #notmyromance
To be continued…
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