TOP 10 MOST OVERRATED 80s MOVIES: Ranked

Today we're handing our space over to the formidable Ed Poretz, Dinosaur Lawyer and Opinionated Guy Specialist of the Movie Madness Realm. Opinions going forward are solely his own, please don't @ Dustin or Brett K thx byeeee

Ed says "I HATE IT."

People have such terrible taste in movies. Especially movies from the 80s.

The 80s are, of course, terrible. Anyone who tries to tell you otherwise either wasn’t there or is probably a Russian bot. The music was terrible, the clothes were terrible, and the movies were, for the most part, terrible.

What’s worse is that, unlike the 90s and the Aughts, the good movies from the 80s all seem to have been kicked to the side in favor of complete garbage that America, as it is wont to do (but was especially wont to do in the 80s), couldn’t wait to shove down their throats and grow fat off of from all the mediocrity.

So, because my one goal in joining this group is to make friends and impress people with my not-firmly held and incredibly rosy and happy opinions, here is the definitive (see: my) list of "Movies You Love from the 80s That Are Actually Terrible."

A few preliminary matters:

Obviously, this is just my cheery opinion. Also, I’m trying to stay away from “this is terrible because it isn’t what I would have done,” but that’s an easy trap to fall into, so feel free to call it out if/when you see it. This list is in order from least overrated to most overrated. Finally, keep in mind that yes, this is in jest, but hell yeah, I believe what I’m writing.

I’m going to point out everything wrong with these movies, then give suggestions, also from the 80s, of what you should watch instead. You know those suggestions are objectively better, because I’m the one suggesting them (duh).

Aren’t you happy I’m here to save you from your terrible opinions?  WHAT DO YOU MEAN “NO”?

So, you get the idea we’re going for here. If any of this offends, toughen the fuck up I apologize in advance (ed: this is his wife, he’s lying).

NO, I’M NOT.

Plus, it’s just pop culture. Not like anyone actually cares about this, right?

(reviews own comment history on Facebook group page)

Ok, who the fuck am I kidding, COME AT ME BROS I WELCOME ALL CHALLENGERS.

Except Eric VandeLinde.  He’s a lot smarter and wittier than I am, and I always lose arguments to him, even when he begins his counterpoint with, “You’re actually correct…” and (reviews group rules)…

Apparently, I can’t ban someone from commenting just because their IQ is significantly higher than mine (just wait, he’s going to comment about how IQ is bullshit).  I also can’t ban someone for being taller than me.  WTF kind of dictatorship is this?

FINE, EVEN VANDELINDE IS WELCOME.

First, let’s get one thing out of the way. 

I am omitting the following, because, apparently, it’s been done:

Goonies (1985): Some people think this movie is an irredeemable mess. It isn’t. Some people think this movie is a certifiable classic. It isn’t. That is all.

Apparently this is a thing people care about.

ON TO THE LIST!!!!!

10. BACK TO THE FUTURE (1985)

You know, I had this whole piece written here about the entire trilogy (yes, I know it’s cheating because I would be taking two 80s movies and one movie from 1990, but c’mon, this series needs to be taken down several pegs, particularly in this group, and fuck BTTF3).

In fact, here is what I would write about this whole trilogy, reproduced mainly just to piss Dustin off:

Let me say that I don’t hate this movie (or series). I don’t even really dislike it. It’s just that this trilogy is…fine. Nothing more. The acting is nothing special beyond Tom Wilson. I get that people love Christopher Lloyd and Michael J. Fox, but neither guy is ever going to be spoken of like De Niro or Pacino or Campbell. The time travel? Makes no goddamn sense. Don’t let any fans of this series try to tell you it does; they’re wrong, and probably members of the alt-right, if we’re being honest. A movie series that features multiple paradoxes, multiple timelines, and altering history on both ends of the timeline? That isn’t intelligent or amusing, that’s just silly.

But fuck that. This is about one overrated-ass movie called Back to the Future. A movie that makes clear the most important things in life are material wealth and possessions. A movie that features time travel as its central concept and birthed two sequels that betrayed that concept by screwing the logic to the point of no return. I’d love to point all this out. But I don’t need to. Why, Dustin Fisher (editor note: Buy his book!) asks?

HEY REMEMBER THAT MOVIE THAT POSITS THE IDEA THAT A FIVE-FOOT-TALL WHITE SUBURBAN KID DRESSED LIKE A LEGO AMBULANCE DRIVER INVENTED ROCK AND ROLL? NO? BECAUSE THAT’S THE TAKEAWAY FROM BACK TO THE FUTURE. WHITE AS MAYONAISE MARTY FUCKING MCFLY INVENTED ROCK AND ROLL. NOT CHUCK BERRY OR CHARLIE CHRISTIAN OR BO DIDDLY OR ELVIS GODDAMN PRESLEY, IT WAS COKE FIEND MARTY McFLY WITH HIS SCIENTIST FRIEND’S MOUSE TRAP BRAND BREAKFAST MAKING MACHINE. I IMAGINE ALL FANS OF THIS SERIES MUST LOVE BILLY JOEL AND THE BARENAKED LADIES.

THE KING OF COOL, LADIES.  THIS IS THE FIRE THAT IGNITES YOUR LOINS.  YOU KNOW IT, I KNOW IT, AND WE ALL KNOW THIS GUY KNOWS IT.

If that’s not the worst “O” face ever, I don’t know what is.  I’ll give points for appearing to actually play the guitar, but that’s a pretty low bar to clear.

Also, why does the opening scene show that Doc’s room is filled with every clock ever made?  Is it because Doc is an absent-minded scientist who would forget to feed, bathe, or take basic care of himself?  OR IS IT BECAUSE IT’S A MOVIE ABOUT TIME TRAVEL?!? 

EITHER WAY IT'S A TIRED CLICHE!

And What the fuck is that guitar Marty plays at the beginning supposed to be?  And playing with a  metal pick?  Lol, ok bro.  Go hop on your skateboard and crank some Huey fucking Lewis and the News.  Because lord knows that screams cool.

WATCH THESE SUPERIOR TIME TRAVEL MOVIES INSTEAD: Terminator, Flight of the Navigator, Somewhere in Time, Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure, Peggy Sue Got Married

9. MAD MAX II: THE ROAD WARRIOR (1981)

Another movie I kind of like, but it needs to be said: this movie is less of a post-apocalyptic epic, and more of a “just a bunch of Australian people getting together for a normal Thursday.”  Furthermore, watch Mad Max, this, and then Fury Road.  It’s the same fucking movie, just with a bigger budget each time.  Mad Max II discards the ambiguous “is this all really happening or is Mad Max really just mad?” nature of the first (let’s face it, cheap, which I think adds to the charm) movie, and goes big.  Too big.  Lord Humungous seems to exist solely to allow a character to refer to him as the “Ayatollah of Rock ‘n’ Rollah” (admittedly, a line so good it almost redeems Humungous).  Max himself goes from a central character in the first movie to a passenger in his own flick; fans love to point out how this is somehow “smart” and “different” but we all know synonyms for boring when we hear them.  Somehow a movie that kills off almost every major character in a giant battle scene is still a dull slog with smarmy dialogue, terrible costumes (WHY DOES EVERY MARAUDER WEAR 80s WWF COSTUMES?  WHERE DO THEY FIND THE TIME TO STYLE AND DYE THEIR MOHAWKS?), and of course horrendous acting (I will except Bruce Spence from this, because he tries his best with what he’s given).

The worst, most unforgivable thing about this overrated movie?  The soundtrack.  Composed by none other than the great Brian May.  Yes, THAT Brian May.  If we were going to make a list of the most innovative and unique heavy metal guitarists of all time (please don’t try to tell me Queen wasn’t heavy metal, you’ll only embarrass yourself), Brian May would be in the top 20, if not top 10.  This soundtrack can be summed up by one word: forgettable.  In an era of unforgettable movie theme songs, soundtracks, and scores, that’s unacceptable.  Considering Queen did the entire soundtrack to Highlander, which is groin-grabbingly amazing, the music here becomes even worse.

WATCH THESE SUPERIOR POST-APOCALYPTIC MOVIES INSTEAD: Escape from New York, Nausicaä of the Valley of the Wind, Night of the Comet, Mad Max, Akira

8. TANGO & CASH (1989)

Ugh.  This movie sucks.  It sucks so bad.  Worst thing is, I should love it.  Sylvester Stallone and Kurt Russell as 80s cops taking on Jack Palance’s 80s bad guy?  On paper, that is amazing.

You had me at "Kurt."

In execution, this is a clichéd bore-fest that steals every idea it has from another movie that you’ll see on this list shortly.  I’m utterly convinced that Kurt Russell was cast because his hair was reminiscent of Mel Gibson’s and Sylvester Stallone was cast because the only concept of minorities the 80s had was black people and Italians.  Seriously, Sly Stallone as the nerdy, by-the-book, straight guy?  FUCKING RAMBO AS THE DORK? 

I get that Rambo will never be as cool as Snake Plissken (because no one is), but watching Sly stuff himself into suits and glasses and act like he’s not batshit crazy is just embarrassing.  Considering he’d recently done Cobra, one of the most hilariously awesome terrible 80s action movies, and that Kurt Russell was coming off arguably the greatest genre run of all time, this movie has no excuse for being as terrible as it is.

Amazingly, neither man has changed clothes or gotten a haircut since this movie was made.

And, yet, terrible it is.  Do you care about the portrayal of women in movies?  Don’t watch Tango & Cash.  Do you care about the portrayal of men in movies?  Well, don’t watch Tango & Cash.  No one in this movie acts like an actual human being.  Do you care about tight, well thought out plots?  Well, then don’t…you get the idea.  This movie posits the idea that a drug dealer (Jack Palance, playing a guy called “Yves Perret,” because of course that is what you would name JACK FUCKING PALANCE) would, instead of just having the two cops who keep ruining his day killed and then move on with his drug dealering, decides that killing Tango and Cash would be too "quick and easy." So what does Jack Palance Yves Perret do?

Why, he comes up with an overly complicated plot to discredit and humiliate Tango and Cash and then intends to torture them to death (wait, what?).  Jack Palance Yves Perret has Tango and Cash framed for murder and T&C get arrested by the FBI.  At their murder trial, which seems to take place about six days after their arrest, Tango and Cash are convicted because of a recording that shows Tango and Cash shooting an undercover FBI agent after a drug deal.

Now, you’re probably wondering why I’m going over the plot this much here when I didn’t do so for the first two.  The reason is because if you’re going to make a big dumb action movie, BE BIG AND DUMB.  Don’t overthink shit.  I say this because we’re not even two-thirds done with this movie, and the above plot would take up several entire series if written by competent humans.

Because, y’see, with the evidence against them so strong, T&C proceed to FUCKING COP A PLEA to a lesser charge (I honestly don’t know what it could be, loitering, or defamation of character, maybe) to secure lighter sentences in a minimum-security prison; instead, they get sent to a maximum-security prison and stuck with many of the crooks they busted and put there in the first place.  Because, in LA, entire prisons are made up of people arrested by the same two cops (actually, considering what I know about the LAPD, that might be accurate).

I’m not going to go into the rest of the plot, which involves an escape from prison, confronting witnesses who framed them, etc.  I will end by pointing out that T&C storm Jack Palance’s Yves Perret’s house/compound/French Day-Spa and finally kill him in a shoot-out that occurs in a hall of mirrors.  Like the hall of mirrors you have in your garage.  Of course.

Fuck this movie.  At least the critics rightfully panned it.  Critics, you’re always right.  Never change.

WATCH THESE SUPERIOR BUDDY-COP MOVIES INSTEAD: Stakeout, Dragnet…this genre really didn’t get good until the 90s, and the best one of these is still Kiss Kiss Bang Bang (FRENCH CONNECTION DOESN’T COUNT)

7. LABYRINTH (1986)

Disclosure time: I fucking love Jim Henson.  More disclosure time: I fucking hate this movie.  It’s not so much the movie itself (although the movie itself is lousy), but the fandom of people my age who claim it as a classic.  To those people, I say the following:

Sing me a song from this movie that isn’t called Magic Dance.  I’ll wait.

That’s what I thought.  For all the inexplicable love that this at best BARELY EVEN MEDIOCRE movie gets, no one really remembers any of it other than: Jennifer Connelly, David Bowie, David Bowie’s bulge, and the monsters that take off their heads.  Why?  BECAUSE THIS MOVIE IS CRAP.

Much like listening to songs by Journey, no one ever sits down and says to themselves, “Self,” they would say, “I’m going to sit here and watch Labyrinth.”  No, what one says is “Self,” one says, “I’m going to stare at David Bowie’s crotch for an hour and a half and then realize I can’t get that hour and a half back again.”

I’d use a Labyrinth meme, but why put David Bowie’s frosted face here when Sean Bean memes are so plentiful?

The truth is this movie brings very little to the table.  Jennifer Connelly couldn’t act at this point in time, the story-line is downright idiotic, and worst of all, David Bowie doesn’t do anything in this movie other than show up dressed as and acting like normal David Bowie.  That’s not a movie, it’s a music video, and it’s a bad music video for bad David Bowie music.  Oh, and then there’s the fact that David Bowie’s character is a complete pedophile (which, if you know your rock music history, isn’t all that far off the mark from normal David Bowie).

WATCH THESE SUPERIOR PUPPETT/MUSIC MOVIES INSTEAD: I was going to put the Dark Crystal and the Muppets and some others, but honestly, just listen to fucking Ziggy Stardust instead.  Better music, better production, better story-line.

6. BLADERUNNER (1982)

Ok, folks.  Now we’re getting into movies that are really considered classics that I can’t stand.  We start with Bladerunner, also known as the movie that posits the future looks like a cross between actual London and future-Tokyo from the movie Akira.

Why Harrison Ford is considered a good actor is beyond me, and I point to this sleepwalk of a performance as exhibits A, B, and C to show what a hack he truly is.  Edward James Olmos does his level best to try and bring some sort of actual emotion or, I dunno, fucking EFFORT out of Ford, but Ford’s having none of it here.

But the worst part of this movie?  It’s director.  Ridley Scott, aka Hack King; El Hacko Numero Uno; His Royal Lordship Hackus Maximus, Praetor of Hackery.

Somehow, this guy has made a career out of making lousy movies that some people find “intelligent” because those movies are “ambiguous.”  I would argue that Ridley Scott doesn’t make “intelligent” movies so much as he poses questions that he is unable to answer, which is why Prometheus neatly sums up his career to date.  Neat idea, pretty pictures, lousy movie with a nonsensical plot and utterly absurd characterizations.  But worse than that, Scott has no actual method to his madness.  Don’t believe me?

Ridley Scott makes bad movies and then releases them to theaters without bothering to see if he made a bad movie.  This is why he keeps releasing director’s cuts, producer’s cuts, ultimate cut’s, ultimate director-produced cuts, and “redux,” whatever the fuck that is.  Simple rule from a non-filmmaker: if you have to consistently re-cut, re-edit, re-score, re-release, and, uh, re-dux your movie to achieve your “true” vision, you never really had a vision to begin with.

Bladerunner sets up interesting premises and never investigates or follows up on them.  The language conventions of future LA?  Neat idea.  Not all world building needs to be explained, but considering the fact that several characters could be named “Officer Plotpoint” or “Doctor Exposition” I’d have liked some exploration of how LA culture got to where it was other than “Gaff speaks a mixture of all languages.”  Thanks, future Phillip Marlowe.  Go back to explaining the robot wars and why sushi is made of off-world lichen, please.  Wait, actually, don’t do that.

Then there’s the pacing, which is, quite frankly, terrible.  It’s a mystery/noir movie that introduces the villains and then essentially ends abruptly.  It’s a mystery that doesn’t let the viewer soak said mystery in; ultimately, Bladerunner is really just a series of evocative images with little thought behind them.  Anyone who has read the source, Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?, will know how shallow this adaptation is.  Furthermore, the main character, Deckard, is primarily a passive bystander in his own movie of self-discovery.  Take out the scene where he kills the singer, and almost every event in the movie would occur whether Deckard existed or not.

As for whether Deckard is human or replicant, who the fuck cares?  Deckard is so painfully uninteresting that him being revealed as a replicant adds exactly zero dramatic heft to the movie…and OH WAIT THEY DON’T ACTUALLY REVEAL THAT, at least not in the theatrical release.  I’d have rather they revealed Roy Batty was actually human, just so Rutger Hauer could get more screen time.  Ridley Scott has had to release this movie three or four times just to clarify whether Deckard is or is not a replicant.  This isn’t a case of audiences not understanding a filmmaker’s ambiguous message; this is just bad filmmaking.   In the first, theatrical version of the movie, Deckard’s status as human or replicant is largely irrelevant (and completely unexplored if you know what to watch for LOL ORIGAMI UNICORNS ARE IMPORTANT).  His attitude at the beginning is largely the same at the end, because he was already jaded and burnt out, and he would have started boning Sean Young regardless of being human or not.

This movie would be much higher on this list if not for Rutger Hauer who almost single-handedly redeems the entire movie with his speech at the end.

WATCH THESE SUPERIOR DYSTOPIAN FUTURE MOVIES INSTEAD: Brazil, RoboCop, 1984, The Running Man

5. LETHAL WEAPON (1987)

Also known as “That Movie My Friends Make Me Watch Sometimes.”

This movie seems to exist to show how world-weary Daniel Glover’s Roger Murtaugh is, and how KUH-RAYZAY of a guy Mel Gibson’s Martin Riggs is.

And you know what?  I don’t blame Murtaugh.  Every single second of the “investigation,” and I use that word lightly, in this case involves some form of deadly shootout.  Seriously, this movie shows that, in the span of a few weeks, two detectives fire more bullets than actual police precincts do in a year.  They fight bombers.  They fight helicopters.  All of their friends, and friends’ families, get brutally murdered.  It should be noted that, at the time this movie came out, the action sequences were considered groundbreaking.  Apparently, “groundbreaking” meant “fucking stupid” in 1987.

When they aren’t engaging in gun fights that make the OK Corral look like a Chuck E. Cheese’s, Murtaugh is sighing heavily while Riggs does something “whacky.”  This is the 80s concept of a family man facing retirement dealing with a younger, volatile man with mental disease after losing his wife.  Obviously, they would try as hard as possible to get themselves killed, only to realize that the power of friendship binds them forever.

Anything Mel Gibson and Danny Glover can do, Canadian professional wrestlers can do better.

For some reason Gary Busey is here as a special forces soldier turned gang enforcer, instead of as the big bad, who’s played by Mitchell Ryann, whom Google informed me was the dad on Dharma and Greg.  Yeah, that guy is more terrifying than Gary Fucking Busey, alright.

Allow me to drop my anger and jerk-ness and be nice for a moment: director Richard Donner made a career of making low-key awesome B-movies (yes, the Omen and Superman are B-movies, just really, really good ones).  I really like Richard Donner, but he also gave us Goonies.  A quick peek at Donner’s filmography shows that he was…less great than Superman and Superman II would lead us to believe (Timeline?  Assassins?  Conspiracy Theory?  16 Blocks?  Jesus H. Christ, that’s a greatest hits of unwatchable shit).  I did like Maverick, though.

But Lethal Fucking Weapon?  This was a Shane Black movie before Shane Black figured out how to write Shane Black movies.  Watch this bullshit then watch Kiss Kiss Bang Bang.  Kiss Kiss Bang Bang is the movie Lethal Weapon wishes it was.  And who or what, exactly, is the Lethal Weapon?  Riggs?  Because he’s the least believable ex-Special Forces Operator turned suicidal detective who, and I quote, “gleefully breaks all the rules and takes his suicidal tendencies out on suspects?”  This idiot wouldn’t be given a partner and an assignment, he’d be sent to a padded fucking cell. 

Finally, we can blame this goddamn movie for “reinvigorating” the buddy cop genre.  THAT GENRE FUCKING SUCKS.

WATCH THESE SUPERIOR BUDDY COP MOVIES INSTEAD: We already did this.  So instead, I’m going to explain why this is higher up on the list than Tango & Cash, because Lethal Weapon is the better movie.  Pretty simple: Tango & Cash is, for the most part, recognized as garbage, except that many people argue that it’s awesome garbage (it’s not, see above).  Lethal Weapon, on the other hand, is held in the same regard reserved for movies like The Godfather, or Citizen Kane, or, I don’t know, Toxic Avenger Part 3.  Lethal Weapon, simply put, is more “overrated” than Tango & Cash is.

4. BEVERLY HILLS COP (1984)

About 12 years ago, my dad and I sat down to watch Beverly Hills Cop.

About 30 minutes into the movie, my dad, a man who watches documentaries and has no patience for plots of any kind (special fx and great sound are exceptions to that rule), said “This guy is completely unbelievable.  I don’t buy any of this.”

This movie is so bad, my father, a man who claims he doesn’t “get” Star Wars, actually followed the plot because it was so mind-numbingly stupid, just so he could TELL me how mind-numbingly stupid it was.

And he was right.  Beverly Hills Cop is a movie that exists mainly to allow Eddie Murphy to walk around California, dressed as a guy from Detroit (you know he’s from Detroit because he wears a Tigers jacket and because California is like a foreign country to him) and laughing at gay people.

Seriously, that’s what this movie is.

Also, something called “Judge Reinhold” played something called a “Detective Billy Rosewood” in this movie, and I’ve never forgiven it for causing me to know what Judge Reinhold is.

One thing I will not crap on is the soundtrack.  Axel F 4 LIFE!!!!

WATCH THESE SUPERIOR ACTION COMEDY MOVIES INSTEAD: The Last Dragon, The Blues Brothers, Top Secret!, The Naked Gun, Stripes, Spies Like Us

3. THE KARATE KID (1984)

Yet another movie from the 80s that uses a minority to show that a white dude had the power within himself the whole time.

Karate Kid isn’t so much offensive as it is innocuous.  To say that Karate Kid “plays it safe” is a lot like saying Jenna Jameson has had a “decent amount” of relations in her lifetime.

Karate Kid is a movie that ultimately has no teeth, and the best thing it gave us was the Cobra Kai tv series, which is more well-written, has more interesting characters, and is just plain more daring with what it attempts to accomplish.

Daniel-San is a wimp, Miyagi is a caricature, not a character, and the bullies are so one-dimensional that even Michael Bay would say “bro, some characterization would be nice.”

John Kreese might be the only decent character in the movie.  Yeah, he’s a moustache twirling villain, but at least Martin Kove instills Kreese with legitimate menace.  Everyone else in this movie exists either to push Daniel toward his ultimate plot point goal, or to keep him from achieving the same.

Also, this movie can be added to a long list (hell, it might be the first) of movies that utterly waste Elizabeth Shue.

WATCH THESE SUPERIOR MARTIAL ARTS MOVIES INSTEAD: Fist of the North Star (1986, and in Japanese), Yes Madam, Best of the Best, Blind Fury

2. RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK (1981)

This isn’t a meme, but a stock photo of the pitch meeting for Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Another Harrison Ford movie, another dull, plodding performance, and another storyline that requires exactly 0% of Harrison Ford’s character to move the plot.

I have said I never finished this movie because it’s too boring.  That’s not true.  I know for a fact that I watched this movie all the way through as a kid.  I know that, because, when I was in college, my buddy Josh and I said “Let’s watch Raiders!  It’s so awesome!  Yay!”

40 minutes later, both of us were asleep.  I’m pretty sure Indy and co. hadn’t gotten to Egypt yet, either.

This is a movie that features a hero who is a hero because he’s a white guy who plunders the civilization of brown people and stops OTHER, meaner white guys from doing the same thing.  It seems Dr. Jones does this because he’s an academic, and, also, ‘Murica.

This is a movie that features a hero who fights with a whip.  That’s not an ironic statement, Indiana Jones fights with a whip. 

Nobody cool fights with a whip, with one exception (see below).  Did you ever see Luke Skywalker tell Obi-Wan, “to hell with this laser sword, give me a fucking bull whip bitch!  LUKE BE CRACKING SONIC BOOMS NOW MUTHAFUCKA!!!!”

No, of course not, because Obi-Wan would have grabbed his lightsaber and promptly chopped Luke in half.

ONLY SIMON BELMONT CAN ROCK A WHIP AND STILL BE COOL.  JUST ASK DRACULA.

 So essentially what we get is, again, a series of plot points designed to move Dr. Jones from Point A to Point B, meet up with his ex-girlfriend or something, then move on to Point C.  At no point do any of these characters express any sort of, y’know, AGENCY in their actions.  Nope, it’s all “the plot demands they be in location x, so here they are,” with some exposition and plot-dialogue to tell the audience “HEY HERE’S WHAT’S HAPPENING!” mixed in.

Good story-tellers show, they don’t tell.  George Lucas and Steven Spielberg have their strengths, but in the 80s, those strengths lay firmly with “putting pretty pictures on a screen” and not with “telling a coherent and intelligent story with any sort of subtlety or finesse.”  Seriously, go back and watch Raiders.  Find a part that wouldn’t have worked if Indy hadn’t been there.  The beginning?  Belloq gets the idol; end result is an ancient civilization is robbed of a priceless relic.  If Indy hadn’t been there, Belloq would have gotten it anyway.

The ending?  Indy and whatsherface are tied up because of course the Nazis would just tie them up, and then Belloq opens the ark.  We all know what happens after that.  At no point in time does Indy actually cause anything to happen.  Hell, the only things he does do are shoot a guy who practiced sword-fighting for hours for one scene (probably ruining that guy’s burgeoning career as a stunt man, fucking dick) and hold up a stick so that the sun can show him where to go.

The movie’s ‘Murica-centrism isn’t really that bad, considering a lot of other movies from the 80s.  Raiders does boast some pretty slick practical effects as well.  I feel, however, that praising George Lucas and Steven Spielberg for special effects is a lot like watching a Usain Bolt race and then gushing about how fast he is.  It’s expected. 

So why is this movie number 2?  Simply put, because many, many people think it is one of the finest movies not only of this decade, but of any decade.  They hold it up next to actual masterpieces like, say, 1985’s Ran, and instead of laughing Raiders off for the simplistic tripe that it is, actually believe that it’s comparable as a film and as a statement of art.  SPOILER: It’s not.  Thus, why this movie is so egregiously overrated: it’s not because it’s the worst movie ever made.  It’s because this at-best mediocre slog of a movie is still discussed as some kind of magnum opus by folks who should, quite frankly, know better.

Oh, and one other thing; how do we go from this:

COREY JOHNS WOULD LIKE HIS HAT BACK, SIR

To this?

JOHNNY CARSON WOULD LIKE HIS OUTFIT BACK, SIR

I just…I can’t even with this movie.  I can’t bring myself to respect the opinion that it’s any good; what fucking movie did everyone else watch?  Some exciting, well-written, well-paced movie, with a hero central to its plot, that I’ve never seen, clearly.

WATCH THESE SUPERIOR FANTASY/ADVENTURE MOVIES INSTEAD: Romancing the Stone, Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, Big Trouble in Little China, The Princess Bride, Willow, Conan the Barbarian…there are a ton of these, too many to list here.  Basically, any fantasy/adventure flick from the 80s is better than this nonsense.

**********

Before we get to our number 1, here are some (Dis)honorable mentions:

Scarface: Every fucking college dude has a Scarface poster on their wall.  This movie isn’t terrible, but it isn’t the cultural touchstone that people pretend it is.  It’s Al Pacino doing a proto-version of his super-screamy Scent of a Woman shtick, except more violent and with a Cuban accent.

48 Hrs.: A cop who doesn’t ever call for backup gets paired with a con who is let out for two days to solve a crime.  Because that’s how cops and crime work.  Nick Nolte scowls his way through yet another forgettable role of his while Eddie Murphy keeps thinking “I do this crap alongside a decaying rutabaga people call a movie star, then I get to do Trading Places where I’ll be surrounded by actual actors.”

AND NOW, THE MOST OVERRATED 80s MOVIE:

1. E.T. THE EXTRA-TERRESTRIAL (1982)

CONGRATULATIONS, HERE WE ARE: THE TOP OF SUCK MOUNTAIN.

WELCOME TO SUCK MOUNTAIN.  YES, IT’S IN ARKANSAS, AND YES, IT’S POPULATION IS YOU.

This movie is considered a classic by many.  McDonald’s is considered food by many.  To answer the question in your head: yes, millions of people can be wrong.

Vapid, insipid, inane, saccharine, and downright idiotic are some of the adjectives that accurately describe this movie.  What, exactly, am I supposed to take from this piece of crap?  A “sense of wonder”?  Aliens and human children = pure and cuddly?  FUCK YOU.  THIS MOVIE CAME OUT THE SAME YEAR AS THE THING AND KILLED IT AT THE BOX OFFICE.  THAT IS COMPLETELY UNFORGIVEABLE AND ANY TIME SOMEONE TRIES TO TELL YOU HOW “AWESOME” THE 80s WERE, POINT THIS OUT AND THEN DEFRIEND THAT PERSON, BECAUSE THEY WERE PROBABLY ONE OF THE PEOPLE WHO DIDN’T SEE THE THING.  IF THEY STILL PERSIST, CALL THEIR MOTHER A “WHORE,” THAT WILL DO THE TRICK.

The fact that ET almost singlehandedly derailed John Carpenter’s post-The Thing career would make this the number one on this list in and of itself.  There’s more, however; ET has exactly zero to say, philosophically, sociologically, or otherwise, about contact with alien life beyond “they make really cute pets” or “what if a dog, but more of a cross between a giant tadpole and a pile of feces, and it could talk and eat chocolate?”

How a movie about an alien coming to Earth could be so unbearably boring is beyond me.  How kids growing up in the 80s could be fooled by the HORRENDOUS special effects in this movie is also beyond me.  How people could flock to a movie that asks nothing of its audience other than to take their imaginations and intellectual curiosity and shove both under their seats is NOT beyond me.  That’s par for the course.

Intellectual laziness is, of course, the ultimate American pastime, especially in the 80s.  Everyone was either too coked out or delirious on TV dinners to really be bothered to ask for anything better.  I get that.  It doesn’t make the nostalgia for this terrible decade and its terrible movies any more palatable, though.

In a way, ET is indicative of our mindset at the time: we thought we were all different and edgy (ALIENS!  SHOTGUNS FLASHLIGHTS!), but really, we just wanted everything spoon fed to us in happy meals, packed with preservatives and devoid of any real nourishment.  ET is a flashy but ultimately empty movie that ends, not with a bang or any sort of “Oh now I get it!” moment, but rather with a Hallmark Movie of the Week Aesop-style lesson that gets wrapped in a bow, all neat and tidy with zero actual consequences to be faced once everything is over.  Or to put it more succinctly: this movie is safe, and cowardly.

As a comparison, The Thing asks uncomfortable questions of its audience, forces the audience to engage and grapple with its material, and ultimately doesn’t have something “nice and sweet” to say about mankind; The Thing is decidedly NOT safe, and is extremely daring in how it turns its lens upon its audience.  ET asks zero questions, requires no active thought on the part of the viewer, and posits that humans are cuddly and warm as long as they’re kids or Peter Coyote.  OH LOOK, IT GOT RE-RELEASED AND CHANGED, THAT’S ALWAYS A SIGN OF A MOVIE THAT HOLDS UP!!!  Changing shotguns to flashlights?  OF COURSE!  God forbid we show people acting (sort of) violently in ET.  If a spaceship crashed landed in my backyard, I would definitely grab a flashlight and not a gun.  Definitely.

LOCKED AND LOADED, SIR, AND PREPARED TO “LIGHT UP” THE EXTRA-TERRESTRIAL.  HEYOOOOOOO!!!!!

The stupid bike scene?  It’s indicative of the lack of stakes in the entire movie: ET is never really in any danger because he’s actually Professor X and can make everyone fly like doves with the powers of his mind, and, possibly, friendship (seriously, he starts dying in the movie but then magically revives along with a fucking flower because FRIENDSHIP AND FAMILY).  Elliot faces little ramifications for his actions at school like getting drunk and letting all the frogs loose, then he gets sent to the principal’s office for kissing a girl (?) and that’s about it.  Even when the government storms in (that’s a very liberal use of that phrase), it isn’t a bunch of scary MIB-style secret agents, but also (a lot of) scientists and doctors who set up a hospital around Elliot’s house.  Heck, the lead agent, Agent Keys, is sympathetic because he possesses (what else) “childlike wonder.”  Of course he does.  The government guys just render medical care to Elliot, and to ET, rather than promptly running experiments on and/or dissecting both of them.  The whole movie is a series of events designed to get the characters from point A to point B, and no one acts like an actual person at any time because the plot demands that they don’t.

Oh, and Elliot’s mother is so stupid I’m amazed she didn’t accidentally shoot herself in the head with a flashlight.  THERE IS AN ALIEN LIVING IN YOUR HOUSE, LADY.  FOR LIKE, 3 MONTHS.  Guess Elliot was a latch-key kid.

WATCH THESE SUPERIOR ALIEN MOVIES INSTEAD: The Thing, Alien/Aliens, They Live, Earth Girls are Easy, Starman, Enemy Mine

Rant over.

Now get on Google and point out all the plot points I got wrong because I can’t remember what happened to me five minutes ago, let alone what happened in movies I saw 20 to 25 years ago.